Crap joke thread....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Schmoburger, Oct 16, 2006.

  1. Schmoburger

    Schmoburger Active Member

    Messages:
    4,431
    Location:
    Nowra/Jervis Bay area, NSW.
    I have noticed an alarming trend as of late... there are absolutely god-awful jokes being shamelessly possted left right and center by some of our most respected members. This behviour is crass and inconsiderate to those with a proper sense of humour (needless to say I can live with it cos a decent sense of humour is something I lack hehhehe), so hence I order that all terrible jokes shall henceforth be relegated to this thread!:D

    (How do I come up with this tripe???^^ :eek:)

    ANyway... I was driving down the street recently on my way to the International Airport... I really shouldnt have been cos I was a bit tired to be honest, after I stepped into the path of a B-double by accident. (bdump TSSHH :D ) But anywho... yeh, driving down the street on my way to the airport, I noticed these two guys acting suspiciously... had a bit of an audience amassing across the road too! This piqued my interest, so I pulled over to have a geezer. Well.. would ya believe it???.. one of these waxheads was eating firecrackers, whilst his mate drank battery acid! a moment later the fuzz come screaming round the corner... a patrol car and a paddywagon. The guys were quickly detained and chucked in the paddywagon then carted off, whilst the boys from the patrol car stuck around for some questioning. Out of interest, I asked one of the cops what the punishment is for such an absurd offence... his reply: " Well, one of the guys will probably be charged mate, but from what I can gather from the statements so far, it looks like we'll end up letting the other one off." (bdump TSSHH!!!)

    ANyway... after I gave my statement, as ya do when youve witnessed a crime taking place, I made for the airport post-haste, as I was already later than I'd have liked. I got there with some time to spare, however my problems had only just begun... I ended up in a bitter argument with an official at the terminal, who intercepted me as I walked sideways through the turnstyle. He was frantically shouting "Sir!!! you are going to Bangkok!!!" (bdumpTSHHH!!!!)

    After finally convincing the guy I was actually going to China, I boarded in just the nick of time. The flight was pretty pleasant if one discounts the bad food... I specially pre-ordered Peking duck, and got more than I bargained for... the duck would not stop trying to look up the lady in the next seats skirt! (bdump TSHHH!!!)

    Landing was quite uneventful, but delayed due to a fighter blocking the runway for 30 minutes... the pilot was apparently a Capt. Wung Wyng Lho. BOOM BOOM! :D

    Oh dear Im spent heheheh
     
  2. brookie

    brookie Guest

    You are right- subject line is self explanatory:eek:
     
  3. ttmck

    ttmck Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    2,783
    Location:
    Hallett Cove STH AUS
    Schmoo great thread mate i just love it
    now im going to throw out a very common joke but we need to come up with a answer throwing it open to all members lets see what looney answers we get have fun dont worry about what you put just enjoy it

    WHY DID THE KOMBI CROSS THE ROAD ?
     
  4. TIPRAT

    TIPRAT New Member

    Messages:
    133
    Location:
    brisbane
    WHY DID THE KOMBI CROSS THE ROAD ?[/QUOTE]

    Cos it had never been there.
     
  5. Marty

    Marty Active Member

    Messages:
    2,320
    Location:
    Sunny Melbourne
    to get some air?:rolleyes:
     
    KombiFringe likes this.
  6. Schmoburger

    Schmoburger Active Member

    Messages:
    4,431
    Location:
    Nowra/Jervis Bay area, NSW.
    It was following the chicken? :D
     
  7. 4hammers

    4hammers Active Member

    Messages:
    1,620
    Location:
    Hobart, Tasmania
    What Chicken??
    I don't get it....lol
    RJ
     
  8. Bay_Buddha

    Bay_Buddha Member

    Messages:
    397
    Location:
    Berowra Heights,North of Sydney
    I apologise in advance!!!

    Here goes... "WHY DID THE KOMBI CROSS THE ROAD ?"

    Because it wasn't travelling the beaten track?

    Tom was on the other side with a tool box and a bottle of oil?

    It was on it's way to the bus stop?

    To get out of the fast lane?

    Seriously though Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

    Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
    Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic
    act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as
    she now considered her to be mentally stable.

    When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news
    and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged Since you were
    able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the
    life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound
    mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung
    himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved
    him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

    Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How
    soon can I go home?"
     
  9. Schmoburger

    Schmoburger Active Member

    Messages:
    4,431
    Location:
    Nowra/Jervis Bay area, NSW.
    LMAO!!!!.. tyhat joke is positively rotten! :D

    Let's see how long we can keep this thread alive for eh?... try for a year? lol man... couldn make it into a book in that time hehehehe

    on the subject of which, one from the history books...

    A B-17 was shot down over Hamburg during a raid in 1944. Most of the crew went down with the aircraft, however one or two managed to get themselves free and bail. The tail gunner was one of the dudes who got free, however he was seriously injured both from the explosion that brought the plane down and from the less than kosher parachute landing.

    He was taken into a military hospital for treatment after which he was to be sent to a POW camp. Right from the start, it was evident that he was going to lose a leg due to his injuries, and this he was duely told. his response to this was, "Well, if thats the case, I'd like to ask that it be sent to Glatton airbase in England as something for the guys to remember me by, and to remind em what happens if you miss a shot", and this request was granted.

    A few days later an infection took hold in his other leg where he had been hit by shrapnel from AA fire, and he was again informed that amputation was inevitable. Again he requested that the limb once severed be sent back to England, this time as a stark reminder to all the crew at Glatton to wear their flack gear. Again, this was seen as reasonable and the request was granted.

    the next day he was due to have his arm amputated due to horrific and under the circumstances irepairable injuries. Again, he asked to have it sent to England, this time without giving reason. The military surgeon was about to reply.. then got uneasy. He left the room without saying a word, and 15 minutes later, returned with an unimpressed looking German staff sargent in tow. Again, the yankee gunner asks "so can I have my arm sent to England doctor??"

    At this moment the staff sargent strode forward and barked sharply "NEIN!!! ZIS VE KANNOT DO ANYMORE!!!!!".

    The gunner looked hurt and asks simply.. "WHy not??"

    The staff sargent ipmatiently lurches forward and barks, "VE ZINK JOO TRYINK TO ESKAAAPE!!!" :D
     
  10. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    16,765
    Location:
    Bracken Ridge, Qld
    Oh no schmo
     
  11. Marty

    Marty Active Member

    Messages:
    2,320
    Location:
    Sunny Melbourne
    this thread is getting worse and worse..:eek:

    i was playing pool with a friend today and after having taken the first shot and broken she spent ages deciding which one to go for. When i told her to hurry up she told me i was a real ball-breaker (badump-TSCH):D
     
  12. Bay_Buddha

    Bay_Buddha Member

    Messages:
    397
    Location:
    Berowra Heights,North of Sydney
    Schmo our friends will much less of us after this thread!


    Oh well here's another...

    Why did the Banana have to see the doctor??











    ... He didn't PEEL well.

    I got loads.. I work with Primary school kids!
     
  13. urbexdweller

    urbexdweller Member

    Messages:
    938
    Location:
    Adelaide
    Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi, an Australian, a little old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl.

    The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

    When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his
    cheek.

    No one speaks.

    The old lady thinks: That Kiwi must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.
    The blonde thinks: That Kiwi must have tried to grope me in the dark but missed and fondled the old lady. She slapped his cheek.
    The Kiwi thinks: That Australian must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
    The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that Kiwi again
     
  14. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,086
    Location:
    Mount Gambier, SA
    A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

    The old man replied, "It's fart Rugby."

    A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Try and conversion - 7-all". After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Penalty - 10 points to 7."

    Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty - 10-all." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says," Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he craps in the bed.

    The wife says, What the hell was that?"

    The old man says, "Half time, change sides.


    cheers
     
  15. Bay_Buddha

    Bay_Buddha Member

    Messages:
    397
    Location:
    Berowra Heights,North of Sydney
    Ahh yes the standards are high in this one!!!
     
  16. urbexdweller

    urbexdweller Member

    Messages:
    938
    Location:
    Adelaide
    ive heard that one before... in mp3 format... some guy telling it... think i got it off of napster bout 3 years ago
     
  17. HempKombi

    HempKombi New Member

    Messages:
    611
    Location:
    Dorset, Ontario CANADA
    A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how
    handsome Pauls flatmate, Andrew, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Andrew & I are just flatmates. About a week later, Andrew came to Paul saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said Paul.
    So he sat down and wrote: DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE PAUL Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read:
    DEAR SON,
    I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH ANDREW, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH ANDREW, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE MUM
     
  18. urbexdweller

    urbexdweller Member

    Messages:
    938
    Location:
    Adelaide
    haha thats a good one :)
     
  19. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,086
    Location:
    Mount Gambier, SA
    If they make you laugh mate they are all good.

    cheers brian and cathy
     
  20. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite New Member

    Messages:
    264
    Location:
    Adelaide
    Sorry in advance ....

    A PENIS STUDY......
    The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a
    man's Penis was larger than the shaft.

    After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the
    head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

    After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study.
    After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason
    the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

    Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
    After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2 slabs of beer, they
    concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting
    himself in the forehead.
     
    Bridget171 likes this.

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