1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Crap joke thread....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Schmoburger, Oct 16, 2006.

  1. MAP77

    MAP77 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    437
    Location:
    Campbelltown NSW
  2. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,390
    Location:
    Mount Gambier, SA
    A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas
    Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your
    mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

    "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

    “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
    “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
    call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

    Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like
    hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

    She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are
    NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
    calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then,
    don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're
    coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way."
     
    Ninga, MAP77, oldman and 3 others like this.
  3. Grantus

    Grantus Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    15,864
    Location:
    Southern ACT
    Are we now rehashing same jokes Brian? :p

    Posted last September, and you “liked” it then! :D

     
    BrianK and micklyan like this.
  4. David H

    David H Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    5,002
    Location:
    newcastle
    Sadly done in a time period I remember. No alzheimers here:p.
    Cheers
     
    BrianK and Grantus like this.
  5. oldman

    oldman Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    8,610
    Location:
    Avalon Beach NSW
    It’s still a funny joke though!
    .....and more relevant to me now that both our sons and their partners are on the other side of the world....:(
    Cheers,
    Mark
     
    Ninga, BrianK and TeeBee like this.
  6. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,390
    Location:
    Mount Gambier, SA

    Oops to much sun I’m thinking Grant, I better go back 9 months and check in future
     
    oldman likes this.
  7. oldman

    oldman Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    8,610
    Location:
    Avalon Beach NSW
    No such thing as an original joke....they've all been told before.
    It's just whether or not you've heard it ;)
    Many new members here in the last 9 months that wouldn't have.....
    The good 'uns are always worth hearing again.
    Cheers,
    Mark
     
    TeeBee and Ninga like this.
  8. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    19,977
    Location:
    Bracken Ridge, Qld
    If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner for a bit.

    They're usually around 90 degrees.
     
  9. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    19,977
    Location:
    Bracken Ridge, Qld
    Wait until the sun goes down and have a couple of drinks ...... then everything will be clearer :rolleyes::eek::confused:;)
     
    oldman and BrianK like this.
  10. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,390
    Location:
    Mount Gambier, SA

    Bert mate sitting here in tenant creek in sun at the moment with tinnie in hand, not sure what will come next
     
    oldman likes this.
  11. MAP77

    MAP77 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    437
    Location:
    Campbelltown NSW
  12. wirrah

    wirrah Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,934
    Location:
    Lower Hunter, NSW
    Doesn't work for Celsius...
     
  13. oldman

    oldman Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    8,610
    Location:
    Avalon Beach NSW
    I reckon I know.......
    ....another tinnie ;)
    Cheers,
    Mark
     
    KahunaKombi, micklyan and BrianK like this.
  14. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    19,977
    Location:
    Bracken Ridge, Qld

    "Ah the Serenity"

    30 minutes time difference between Brisbane & Tennant Creek ...... 4.36 here 4.06 there so we were doing the same thing :eek::D;) with refreshments.
     
    chris taylor, BrianK and oldman like this.
  15. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,390
    Location:
    Mount Gambier, SA

    We done a backflip mate, same time as you, we In Camooweal QLD
     
    KahunaKombi and chris taylor like this.
  16. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    19,977
    Location:
    Bracken Ridge, Qld
    Ah :eek: ok o_O @ 2.44 was out with the dog between ironing as washing was in the clothes dryer ..... beer(s) followed @ 4.00pm ;):eek::p:) while watching the Townsville 400 ..... 2nd 200 :confused:
     
  17. MAP77

    MAP77 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    437
    Location:
    Campbelltown NSW
    61072809_10157102632799020_5867700610882600960_n[1].jpg
     
    Ninga, TeeBee and rstucke like this.
  18. MAP77

    MAP77 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    437
    Location:
    Campbelltown NSW
    If a priest is travelling at the speed of light, does he still have mass?
     
    Ninga, David H, TeeBee and 2 others like this.
  19. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    19,977
    Location:
    Bracken Ridge, Qld
    May be dependant as to whether he is in a time warp :rolleyes:

     
    TeeBee likes this.
  20. rstucke

    rstucke Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,041
    Location:
    Wamberal NSW AUS
    An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

    The waitress asks them for their orders.

    The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
    'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

    The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
    The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

    Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

    'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
    ' Same for me,' says the emu.

    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

    The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

    'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

    My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

    'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

    'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'


    The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

    almhfolojfkbfnoa.jpg
     
    chris taylor, oldman, David H and 7 others like this.

Share This Page