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Crap joke thread....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Schmoburger, Oct 16, 2006.

  1. MAP77

    MAP77 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    415
    Location:
    Campbelltown NSW
  2. Grantus

    Grantus Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    15,660
    Location:
    Southern ACT
  3. MAP77

    MAP77 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    415
    Location:
    Campbelltown NSW
  4. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,356
    Location:
    Mount Gambier, SA
    Just a ... For the ladies!!

    Sooooo funny realistic and eloquently written!

    Trip to the Ladies' Restroom

    When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied

    Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
    You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'

    In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'

    To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

    You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible.. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .

    Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT . It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.'

    By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

    At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

    You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

    You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.'

    As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?'

    This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

    This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!
     
    David H and Wayne murray like this.
  5. splitbus

    splitbus Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    3,311
    Location:
    Brisbane
    I'm posting this with a heavy heart...

    As much as love my VW’s, they take up too much of my time and I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics such as cleaning and taking care of my home, so something has to give. I will be getting rid of my collection.

    Below is a list of what's available. Serious inquiries only please and don't insult me with your offers.

    Thanks for reading and understanding...









    1. Dustpan and brush

    2. Sponges

    3. Dusters

    4. Mop and bucket

    5. Window cleaner

    6. Vacuum

    7. Dishwashing liquid

    8. Laundry detergent

    9. Fabric softener

    10. Laundry baskets

    11. Toilet brush

    12. Cleaning sprays

    13. Scrubbing brushes

    14. Lawn mower

    15. Weed eater

    16. Paint brushes
     
    David H and micklyan like this.
  6. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    19,780
    Location:
    Bracken Ridge, Qld

    Damn :( am looking for a handheld steam cleanero_O
     
    micklyan likes this.
  7. MAP77

    MAP77 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    415
    Location:
    Campbelltown NSW
  8. Jerome

    Jerome Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,205
    Location:
    Mentone
  9. Jerome

    Jerome Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,205
    Location:
    Mentone
  10. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    19,780
    Location:
    Bracken Ridge, Qld
    Jerome :p ..... that ones as good as the promo for the forthcoming series of the Bachelor :eek::oops::rolleyes:o_O
     
    TeeBee and oldman like this.
  11. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    19,780
    Location:
    Bracken Ridge, Qld
  12. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    3,590
    Location:
    Abbotsford NSW
    What is brown, steaming and comes out the back of cows?......(Cowes)

    The Isle of Wight ferry
     
    KahunaKombi and TeeBee like this.
  13. TeeBee

    TeeBee Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    274
    Location:
    Outer East Melbourne
    Just stole this off the kc facebook page...
    MoonLanding.jpg
     
  14. oldman

    oldman Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    8,465
    Location:
    Avalon Beach NSW
    ....best place for that bus........was owned by a member here ages ago.
    Nil oxygen may stop all the tin worm in it ;)
    Cheers,
    Mark
     
    cbus, David H, TeeBee and 1 other person like this.
  15. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    19,780
    Location:
    Bracken Ridge, Qld
    What came first:rolleyes: ..... the Kombi or the astronaut :p
     
  16. rstucke

    rstucke Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    966
    Location:
    Wamberal NSW AUS
    Me behave? seriously?

    As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked,
    Cinderella arrived home after midnight,
    Pinocchio told lies,
    Aladdin was a thief,
    Batman drove over 200 miles an hour,
    Snow White lived in a house with 7 men,
    Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos,
    Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance,
    and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies.

    The fault is not mine!
     
    Ninga, TeeBee, Wayne murray and 3 others like this.
  17. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    19,780
    Location:
    Bracken Ridge, Qld
    OLD GOAT QUIZ


    Great mental exercise
    Which of the following names are you familiar with?

    1. Monica Lewinsky
    2. Spiro Agnew
    3. Benito Mussolini
    4. Adolf Hitler
    5. Jorge Bergogliog
    6. Alfonse Capone
    7. Vladimir Putin
    8. Linda Lovelace
    9. Saddam Hussein
    10. Tiger Woods








    You had trouble with number 5, didn’t you?

    (scroll Down)







    You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts, and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope??

    Lovely, just lovely...
     
    David H, rstucke and micklyan like this.
  18. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    19,780
    Location:
    Bracken Ridge, Qld
  19. MAP77

    MAP77 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    415
    Location:
    Campbelltown NSW
  20. MAP77

    MAP77 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    415
    Location:
    Campbelltown NSW

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