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Crap joke thread....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Schmoburger, Oct 16, 2006.

  1. T1 Terry

    T1 Terry Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,569
    Location:
    Mannum South Australia
  2. Kai

    Kai Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,775
    Location:
    Sydney, NSW
    I got a few giggles out of this one.
    [youtube]J0_avwKo4S0[/youtube]
     
  3. baykruzer

    baykruzer Member

    Messages:
    783
    Location:
    waveless coast of gold, Qld

    I'll fix that Jon.....


    a termite walks into a bar and asks ......... is the bar tender here?
     
  4. 3Amigos

    3Amigos Active Member

    Messages:
    3,093
    Location:
    THE HOUSE ON THE HILL
    Subject: It's Tough Being A Married Man

    It's Tough Being A Married Man

    [​IMG]
     
  5. 3Amigos

    3Amigos Active Member

    Messages:
    3,093
    Location:
    THE HOUSE ON THE HILL
    Tutorial on Bats



    Our planet is populated with plenty of




    bizarre and astonishing creatures.




    Here are three from the Bat Family,




    without the need for resorting to fiction.


    The Sucker-footed Bat



    [​IMG]




    .The Red-Winged Fruit Bat




    [​IMG]








    The Ding Bat




    [​IMG]
     
  6. 3Amigos

    3Amigos Active Member

    Messages:
    3,093
    Location:
    THE HOUSE ON THE HILL
    My neighbors, the two cute, young, les#i&ans next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex! It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said: "I wanna watch !":eek:
     
  7. jerrys_bus

    jerrys_bus Active Member

    Messages:
    1,187
    Location:
    Hawkesbury NSW
    A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for
    New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very
    beautiful
    woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight
    toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

    "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

    She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going
    to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever
    seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for
    Nymphomaniacs!

    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's
    your business role at this convention?"
    "Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some
    popular myths about sexuality.."

    "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

    "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that
    African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the
    Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another
    popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is
    the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential
    lovers in all categories are the Irish."

    Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
    sorry,"
    She said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I
    don't even know your name!"

    "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call
    me Paddy."
     
  8. DaveW

    DaveW Member

    Messages:
    278
    Location:
    Ipswich
    [FONT=Helvetica, Helvetica]These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
    [/FONT]
    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    __________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget..
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do..
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    W ITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death..
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral...
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________________

    And last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No..
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

     
  9. 1975 Westfalia

    1975 Westfalia Member

    Messages:
    601
    Location:
    Adelaide Hills
    Scroaty, my stomach hurts and my eyes are leaking after that lot. Thanks.
     
  10. another Harvey

    another Harvey New Member

    Messages:
    266
    Location:
    Geelong
    Q: What do you call a female Collingwood fan in a tracksuit?



    A: The Bride :eek:



    COMEONYOUCATS!
     
  11. another Harvey

    another Harvey New Member

    Messages:
    266
    Location:
    Geelong
    where have all the collingwood fans gone?

    oh, sorry.
    I should speak slowly..

    I mean:
    w h e r e h a v e a l l t h e C o l l i n g w o o d f a n s g o n e ?
     
  12. gazman

    gazman Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,868
    Location:
    Perth WA
    They have fans?!?
     
  13. another Harvey

    another Harvey New Member

    Messages:
    266
    Location:
    Geelong
    No?

    what about a version of Collingwood wingdings to translate..

    /lettercap images of:
    moccassin..handcuffs..bail..watersidehotel..gums..summons..bourbon..punch..saliva..

    (jokes)
     
  14. another Harvey

    another Harvey New Member

    Messages:
    266
    Location:
    Geelong
    Q: Why do Geelong supporters now carry lighters?

    A: Because they just lost thier last match..

    *sigh*
     
  15. VolksVair

    VolksVair New Member

    Messages:
    414
    Location:
    Geelong VIC
    Went to the BEST wife swapping party last week!!!!! yeah I got a 18Volt battery drill, impact driver and a box of assorted metric spanners. YEEEHAAAAAA
     
  16. oldman

    oldman Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    9,834
    Location:
    Avalon Beach NSW
    Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking



    Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.


    When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"


    His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh*t inside!"
     
  17. T1 Terry

    T1 Terry Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,569
    Location:
    Mannum South Australia
    Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy
    Marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems
    By taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the
    Beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

    A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
    Underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

    Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
    Spouse was $5,000.
    The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he
    Wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
    Insurance money.

    Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man
    Opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested
    Inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to
    Accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

    A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor.........

    The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the
    Murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie
    Had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

    However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
    Hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard,
    Who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested
    Before he could even leave the store.

    Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie
    Revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial
    Arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

    The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared .

    'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WOOLWORTHS!'
     
  18. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,784
    Location:
    Port Kennedy WA
    Farmer recieves a phone call from his farmhand: "You've gotta help me out John, I've been driving the Cruiser, checking the fences and i've hit a Pig! Now im trying to put him on the side of the road but he keeps moving! What should i do?!"

    Farmer: "Well thats nothing to worry about mate, grab the rifle from behind the seat, put a bullet in his head. He'll be easier to move that way!"

    Farmhand: "Ok, cheers." - Hangs up

    5 minutes later the Farmer gets another call
    Farmhand: "Ok i've put him down and dragged him off the road. Now how do i get his motorcycle out of the bullbar?"
    __________________
     
  19. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,784
    Location:
    Port Kennedy WA
    3 men where at home one saturday arvo and were bored sh!tless, so they decided to go out on a helicopter tour over the city, and to make it more interesting thought it would be a good idea to drop something out of the helicopter each mid flight!

    So they get to the helicopter and go up over the town, The first guy drops a Brick, a few seconds later the 2nd guy drops a chair, and then the 3rd drops a bomb ...

    seeing as it was such a nice day the boys decided too walk home after their flight. They were stroling down a side street and came across a construction worker on the side of the road crying, they approached him and asked him what was wrong, he replied "i dropped this brick, and another brick came out of nowhere and smashed me in the head", the boys looked at each other and walked off ...

    Around the corner they see another man crying, so they agian approach him too see whats wrong, he replies " all i did was sit down too rest for a minute on this seat, and out of nowhere another chair lands on me" ... knowing what was going on the boys wished the man luck and walked off ...

    down the road more they see another man laughing his ass off, they approach him and ask what is so funny, short of breath he replies with "I farted.. And the house behind me blew up ROFL"
     
  20. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,784
    Location:
    Port Kennedy WA
    Duties of Wives..

    Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
    wives duties.

    Terry had married a woman from Greece, and bragged that he had told his
    wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a
    couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the
    dishes were all washed and put away.

    Jimmie had married a woman from Italy. He bragged that he had given his
    wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
    dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any
    results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was
    clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

    The third man had married a Australian girl. He boasted that he told her
    that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and
    ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the
    table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the
    second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the
    swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just
    enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a
    handyman.
     

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