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Crap joke thread....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Schmoburger, Oct 16, 2006.

  1. melissa

    melissa Administrator Staff Member

    Messages:
    14,613
    Location:
    Newcastle NSW
    A pregnant woman was visiting Australia Zoo on the Sunshine coast. Upon leaving the zoo, she was packing things into her car, she jumped into the drivers' seat, and was ready to take off, when all of a sudden she passed out. Now a passerby saw the lady and attempted to get to her in the car , only to find the doors had been locked and the keys were inside the car with the pregnant lady.
    So the passerby called upon some Australia zoo staff, who also attempted to get into the vehicle, with failed attempts.
    Not long after, Steve Irwin drove past, jumped out of his truck and questioned the commotion. Once explained to Mr. Irwin, he took on an act of complete strangeness, and began rubbing his buttocks alongside the car door!
    When asked what he was doing, Steve said, "this will fix it! This will get her out"......
    Then someone piped, questioning "how" ....
    And Steve replied with a grin....."Because they're Khaki pants"........
    (get it? hahaha Khaki.....car key).....
     
  2. Schmoburger

    Schmoburger Active Member

    Messages:
    4,381
    Location:
    Nowra/Jervis Bay area, NSW.
    HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA thats brill' Melissa!!! :D

    btw you have a PM ;)
     
  3. melissa

    melissa Administrator Staff Member

    Messages:
    14,613
    Location:
    Newcastle NSW
    Be warned..it's pretty bad...

    A hippie spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her:

    "Can we have sex?"

    No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

    The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:

    "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

    "Yeah?", says the hippie.

    "Yeah!", says the bus driver

    "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

    The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

    "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.

    "Have sex with me."

    The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

    'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

    "Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!"

    "Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!"
     
  4. Schmoburger

    Schmoburger Active Member

    Messages:
    4,381
    Location:
    Nowra/Jervis Bay area, NSW.
    Ohhhhh geee that is terrible... and HILLARIOUS!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHA :D
     
  5. 65devon

    65devon New Member

    Messages:
    93
    Location:
    Norwich England UK
    this ones old but it still makes me giggle,

    How did darth vader know what luke skywalker got for christmas?
























    Cos he felt his presents

    OUCH!
     
  6. 65devon

    65devon New Member

    Messages:
    93
    Location:
    Norwich England UK
    An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

    "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

    So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

    "Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

    Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a

    £10 pound note appears.

    "This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

    "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient.

    The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another
    and

    another and another, etc....

    Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

    "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er. Just out of interest,
    How moch was in dare den?"

    The Doctor counts the pile of cash.
    "£1,990 exactly."

    "Ah, dat'd be roit,''says the Irishman


    Wait for it...........scroll down.




















    I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
    _________________
     
    Bridget171 likes this.
  7. HIP13

    HIP13 Member

    Messages:
    628
    Location:
    Redcliffe QLD
    a penguin takes his car into a mechanic, a penguin car....anyways the mechanic says its going to take and hour or more. so the penguin decides to go over the road and get some ice-cream.

    the poor little fella has no hands so he gets it all over his beak. its been about and hour so he heads back to the mechanic. Mechanic says "mate it looks like you blew a seal"

    "oh no thats just ice-cream"

    (there is a video circling around with monkeys doing the joke sitting around the bar, i tried getting it up here but to no avail. it makes it so much more....crap?)
     
    Bridget171 likes this.
  8. Necro

    Necro Active Member

    Messages:
    2,623
    Location:
    Victoria
    A cowboy after months on the range is heading into town on his horse.
    All he can think of is a whisky.

    He comes to a narrow canyon pass, the only way into town.
    A dog is just sitting there, blocking the path.

    The cowboys horse shies and won't go any further.

    The Cowboy tries urging the horse but it won't go forward and the dog won't move. Getting grumpy he pulls out his whip and tries scaring the dog.

    CRACKKK! The dog just growls.

    He draws his gun and shoots into the air, still the dog won't move.

    Taking careful aim to avoid killing the dog, he shoots the dog in the foot.

    YELP YELP YELP! The dog runs off......

    Excited about the women and the whisky, the cowboy gleefully gallops into town. Rushes into the Saloon and gets his whisky....

    Gulp, it's gone and he orders another.

    Suddenly the saloon doors burst open, startling the patrons.

    The dog draws his pistol and shoots the cowboy dead. Six bullets in the back.

    The Barman says "What the hell did you do that for?"

    The Dog responds with a Texan drawl.......





    He shot ma PAWWW!
     
  9. Necro

    Necro Active Member

    Messages:
    2,623
    Location:
    Victoria
    This is a mighty fine thread...:)
     
  10. 65devon

    65devon New Member

    Messages:
    93
    Location:
    Norwich England UK
    two canables sat eating a clown,
    one says to the other "does this taste funny to you?"

    BOOM TISHHH!!
     
  11. HIP13

    HIP13 Member

    Messages:
    628
    Location:
    Redcliffe QLD
    what do you call a pig who knows karate?
    Pork Chop!


    why did the lepper get pulled over?
    he couldnt get his foot off the pedal
     
  12. HIP13

    HIP13 Member

    Messages:
    628
    Location:
    Redcliffe QLD
    how do you get a pokemon on the bus?

    pokemon! (poke-im-on)
     
  13. Schmoburger

    Schmoburger Active Member

    Messages:
    4,381
    Location:
    Nowra/Jervis Bay area, NSW.
    WHat do you call an animated jamaican proctologist?

    Pokemon! :D

    Oh that was terrible...
     
  14. Necro

    Necro Active Member

    Messages:
    2,623
    Location:
    Victoria
    My sister used to think she was a set of curtains....

    I took her to the doctor and the doctor said Ethel...

    Pull yourself together Girl!
     
  15. kommodius

    kommodius Active Member

    What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor??

    ............................. "where's my tractor!".
     
  16. kommodius

    kommodius Active Member

    Well I'm no mechanic but I'd say either a faulty steering box; a locked right front brake, a right front blow-out, a suspension collapse or the driver was well pissed. ............... and knowing this forum I would suggest the latter!

    Ray
     
  17. Schmoburger

    Schmoburger Active Member

    Messages:
    4,381
    Location:
    Nowra/Jervis Bay area, NSW.
    HAHAHAHAAHHAAH...I never thought of it that way! :D

    What would you call Rudolph if he fell wictim to glaucoma?

    No idea!!! ( no-eye-deer!!... get it...) lame lame lame... teheheeheh :D
     
  18. melissa

    melissa Administrator Staff Member

    Messages:
    14,613
    Location:
    Newcastle NSW
    Caution: They Walk Among Us...

    * Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.


    * While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."


    * I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days! a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern standard or daylight saving time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Eastern standard" . . .


    * My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . .


    * My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car that’s designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.


    * My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.


    * I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart, no matter which way the head is turned. . .


    * I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet? " . . .


    * While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into four pieces or six. He thought about it for some time before responding. “Just cut it into four pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.”

    Yep , They walk among us, and they REPRODUCE!
     
  19. Necro

    Necro Active Member

    Messages:
    2,623
    Location:
    Victoria
    Rebirth of the Crap Joke....

    OK new joke, my kid thinks its crap, I reckon it is a ripper...

    Two cows in a paddock...

    One cow says to the other..."So what do you think about this Mad Cow disease....?"

    The other cow says..."Doesn't worry me I'm a Helicopter..."





    That joke will be in my head for twenty years...
     
  20. ahoogah

    ahoogah New Member

    Messages:
    273
    Location:
    Gold Coast
    Crap joke thread

    This actually went like this;

    Working on a high rise site last summer and a bright red Irishman turned to me and asked " do you have the correct time please" I promptly answered,
    "no sorry mate,my watch is 6 minutes fast", he replied " oh, thanks anyway",
    and went on to ask someone else!!!!!
     

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