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Crap joke thread....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Schmoburger, Oct 16, 2006.

  1. ahoogah

    ahoogah New Member

    Messages:
    273
    Location:
    Gold Coast
    Crap joke thread

    another day same bloke turned up with a new thermos flask,the guys in the shed said that it looked pretty fancy and asked him about it.The feller then expounded on the virtues of his purchase, explaining that the sales person had told him that this thermos keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.When asked what he had in it, he replied, an icecream and a cup of tea!
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2006
  2. Schmoburger

    Schmoburger Active Member

    Messages:
    4,381
    Location:
    Nowra/Jervis Bay area, NSW.
    HAHAHAHAHH brilliantly crap!!!.. keep em coming!!! :D

    Hey Necro I only just caught onto your joke just then! hahhahaha

    I'm here thinking.. wtf???.. helicoppter???... oh dear... lol :eek: :D
    Cheers!
     
  3. ttmck

    ttmck Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    2,735
    Location:
    Hallett Cove STH AUS
    an email sent to me today

    Dear Friends - - - important info about the necessary things . . . . . .



    Living wills




    While I was watching the Masters golf this weekend, my wife and I got

    into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living

    wills.




    During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted

    to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking

    fluids from a bottle.




    She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.




    .....Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.
     
  4. shannon

    shannon New Member

    Messages:
    98
    Location:
    SW Western Australia
    three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench feeding the birds when all of a sudden a young man jumps out from behind a tree and flashes them. The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke and the third old lady tried but couldnt reach.

    A man comes home from work one day with a rooster on his shoulder. He walks into the lounge room and finds his wife watching TV. He then says "see, this is the pig i was talking about", his wife then replies" thats not a pig, thats a rooster". Then he says "shut up bitch i was talking to the rooster.

    Three men walk into a bar you would think the third one would duck.


    You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
    On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
    In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
    Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
    Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
    What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
    Scroll for answer.




    Answer:
    Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're bloody smashed!


    How many men does it take to screw in a light buls? 1 coz men will screw anything.


    A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.
    On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
    The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.
    "Yes?"
    "You know."

    what did the blonde call her pet zebra?
    spot.

    What does a baliemic call two fingers?
    Dessert
     
  5. Schmoburger

    Schmoburger Active Member

    Messages:
    4,381
    Location:
    Nowra/Jervis Bay area, NSW.
    These are great! :D LMAO at Tom's !! hehehe

    WHat do you call a man floating on a raft in the sea?


    Bob! :D
     
  6. brookie

    brookie Guest

    I needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
    My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
    I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

    A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.

    He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.
    When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her"...And where do you think you're going?"

    (You're gonna love this.....)
    .

    .
    .


    She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
     
  7. Schmoburger

    Schmoburger Active Member

    Messages:
    4,381
    Location:
    Nowra/Jervis Bay area, NSW.
    Hahahahhaahahhaahahhah!!!
     
  8. cammokombi

    cammokombi New Member

    Messages:
    1,562
    Location:
    Melbourne Victoria
    Why did the Kombi Cross The Road?

    If it was my Kombi it would be because it had broken down again and it was being dragged by yet another tow truck!
     
  9. cammokombi

    cammokombi New Member

    Messages:
    1,562
    Location:
    Melbourne Victoria
    For the tazzie members

    [​IMG][/IMG]
     
  10. brookie

    brookie Guest

    Q: Why do blondes drive VW's




















    A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
     
  11. shannon

    shannon New Member

    Messages:
    98
    Location:
    SW Western Australia
    I heard that a good horse to bet on for the next melbourne cup is itchy bum. That is unless he gets scratched.
     
  12. cammokombi

    cammokombi New Member

    Messages:
    1,562
    Location:
    Melbourne Victoria
    Men Vrs Women Kombi Owners

    Women:
    1. Pull up to Ultra Tune when the mileage reaches 3000klm since the last oil change.
    2. Drink a cup of coffee.
    3. 15 minutes later, pay and leave with a properly maintained Kombi.

    ------------------------------------------

    Men:
    1. Go to Auto Barn and pay for 65 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
    2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it to the Recycling place, dump it in hole in back yard.
    3. Open a beer and drink it.
    4. Jack Kombi up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    5. Find jack stands under kid's go-cart.
    6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    7. Place drain pan under engine.
    8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
    10. Unscrew drain plug.
    11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process, swear a lot!
    12. Clean up.
    13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
    14. Look for oil filter wrench.
    15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
    16. Beer.
    17. Mate shows up; finish slab with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
    18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath Kombi.
    19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
    20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
    21. Walk to bottle shop; buy beer.
    22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
    23. Dump first bottle of fresh oil into engine.
    24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
    25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole bottle of fresh oil drains onto floor.
    27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame, bleed.
    28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
    29. Begin cussing fit.
    30. Throw wrench.
    31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Bay Windscreen which now has a crack in it.
    32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckles.
    33. Beer.
    34. Beer.
    35. Dump in additional 4 bottles of oil.
    36. Beer.
    37. Lower Kombi from jack stands
    38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
    39. Move Kombi back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
    40. Drive Kombi and feel proud that you did it all yourself.
     
  13. cammokombi

    cammokombi New Member

    Messages:
    1,562
    Location:
    Melbourne Victoria
    Kombi Owners Tool Kit!

    KOMBI Owners Tool Kit!

    1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more - in an easy to carry package. Sure, there's prejudice surrounding duct tape in professional competitions, but in the real world, everything from Le-Mans-winning Porsches to Atlas rockets and attack-helicopters use it by the kilometer. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a phone call to your auto clubs roadside assist.

    2. Vice Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts and wiggle-it-til-it-falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of your tool box, vice grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.

    3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternator, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm, repeated soakings will allow the main hull bolts of the Titanic to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous Little Red Tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross eyed (one of the 10 worst tools of all time).

    4. Margarine Tubs with Lids: If you spend all your time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the pertal valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume kilo’s of tasteless vegetable oil replicas just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some of course chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.

    5. Big Rock at the Side of the Road: Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop noisy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "Made in China" emblem is not synonymous with the user being maimed.

    6. Plastic Zip Ties: After 20 years of lashing down stray hose and wiring with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked-up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality wiring from a working model of the Brazilian Rain Forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course it works both ways. When buying a used car, subtract $100 for each zip tie you find under the hood.

    7. Ridiculously Large Craftsman Screwdriver: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting or mutilating than a huge flat bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for all oil filters so insanely located that they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver -- and you will just like Dad and your mechanics teacher said -- who cares, it has a lifetime guarantee.

    8. Fencing Wire: (Coat Hangers) Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, fencing wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for NASCAR contenders, since it works so well you'll never need to replace it with the right thing again. Fencing wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with the Bug and Kombi, set. Coat hangers make very good car radio antennas too!

    9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilish pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod separator, but how often do you separate tie-rod ends? Once every decade if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all-purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be use to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).

    10. A phone call to your auto clubs road side assist: See tip #1 above. * If it won't go - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway....
     
  14. cammokombi

    cammokombi New Member

    Messages:
    1,562
    Location:
    Melbourne Victoria
    A Crap Kombi?

    A crap Kombi?

    You might have a crap kombi if the police are constantly pulling you over to check for dead bodies because the kombi stinks so bad.

    You might have a crap kombi if your own mother would rather walk ten kilometers to your house, then ride in the back.

    You might have a crap kombi if your own wife divorces you because she is so ashamed of it.

    You might have a crap kombi if everyone in your town doesn’t stop and stare and say what the hell?

    You might have a crap kombi if your own mechanic hung himself to avoid working on it.

    You might have a crap kombi if every time you go to the shop that sells bog the salesman says, “The usual?”

    You might have a crap kombi if the entire thing is held together by duct tape and clothes hangers.

    You might have a crap kombi if every time you drive it people think it's on fire and call 000 because it smokes so bad.

    You might have a crap kombi if you try to take it to the wreckers and the owners tell you were not taking that piece of crap.

    [Another crap joke!!!!!!]
     
  15. cammokombi

    cammokombi New Member

    Messages:
    1,562
    Location:
    Melbourne Victoria
    More Jokes

    Anyone else got and sick jokes to share?
     
  16. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,265
    Location:
    Mount Gambier, SA
    HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

    The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
    Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
    productive salesmanship.


    Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she
    said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil
    spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good,"
    said the teacher.


    Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I
    explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current
    events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.


    Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.


    Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full
    of cash on the teacher's desk.


    "$2,467", he said.



    "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"



    "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.



    "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
    tooth brushes to make that much money?"



    "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a
    Dip & Chip stand I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said
    the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shite!" Then I would say, "It is
    shite. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

     
  17. Marty

    Marty Active Member

    Messages:
    2,290
    Location:
    Sunny Melbourne
    Oooh dear... well.. better keep the bad jokes coming eh?

    How do you tell a tasmanian lobster from other lobsters?

    It's the one saying "I'm a prawn, I'm a prawn!"
     
  18. Necro

    Necro Active Member

    Messages:
    2,623
    Location:
    Victoria
    An atheist was walking through the woods... when he stopped and thought: "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!"

    Then, as he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him! He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

    He ran faster when he looked over his shoulder again, and saw that the bear was even closer! He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of
    him... reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

    At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

    Time Stopped!

    The bear froze...

    And the forest was silent.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky...
    "You deny my existence for all these years... and try to teach others I don't exist... and even credit creation to a cosmic accident? Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to now count you as a believer?"

    The atheist looked directly into the light, "Well, it would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now... but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

    "Very well," said God.

    The light went out.

    The sounds of the forest resumed...

    And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
     
  19. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,265
    Location:
    Mount Gambier, SA
    Why you never question a drunk......



    I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected the following

    A litre of milk

    A carton of eggs

    A carton of orange juice

    A 250 gram package of bacon

    A head of lettuce

    A 1 kilo can of coffee

    As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the Cashier.

    While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,

    "You must be single."

    I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the Derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items On the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that Could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right.
    But how on earth did you know that?"
    The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."


    cheers

     
  20. joel268

    joel268 New Member

    Messages:
    1,067
    Location:
    Burnie, Tassie
    Person 1: You better keep your eyes open.
    Person 2:Why?
    Person1: Because you wont be able to see!!!
     

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