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Crap joke thread....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Schmoburger, Oct 16, 2006.

  1. GypsyWannabe

    GypsyWannabe Active Member

    Quakers Hill, Sydney
    One Language

    I've posted this before but thought it vud be gut to remind yu all... this is for Alpal:

    The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

    As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

    In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

    The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
    konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

    Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

    Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

    By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
    "z" and "w" with "v".

    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.

    Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
  2. GypsyWannabe

    GypsyWannabe Active Member

    Quakers Hill, Sydney
    Beer Troubleshooting

    SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
    SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
    SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
    SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
    SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
    SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.
    SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
    SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
    SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
    SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him.
    SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
    SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer.
    SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
    SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar.
    SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
    SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.
  3. dlomas

    dlomas New Member

    Handy person

    Elderly couple put advertised in the local paper for handy person. Few days later a blond turns up and knocks on their door, they answered the door and the blond explained she's here in reply to their add.
    So the elderly gentleman explains to her that they need their porch painted, all the brushes and paints are over by the front steps. Ok replied the blond, I'll get right to it. Half hour later the front door bell rings, so the gentleman goes over to answer the door... there was the blond standing there, she said I've finished. What all ready! said the man. Yep said the blond, it's all done....O by the way its a BMW not a porch.
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2007
  4. dlomas

    dlomas New Member

    Warning bad language!

    I went into a bar and sat next to some old drunk fellow who seemed kinda troubled, so I introduced my self to him and asked him what was troubling him. He replied in a slurred kinda tone. Wimon their like fuk'n tornadoes! they come to ya all wet an wild, then they leave ya, they take the fuk'n house n car! :eek:
  5. Schmoburger

    Schmoburger Active Member

    Nowra/Jervis Bay area, NSW.
    Hahaha damn that's some good material...... glad this got dug up again! :D

    What's the difference between a lowered VL and a porcupine??

    The porcupine has the pricks on the outside. :)
  6. cammokombi

    cammokombi New Member

    Melbourne Victoria
    Political Jokes

    Theres only one thing wrong with political jokes! They often get elected!
  7. Kombirod

    Kombirod New Member

    Manly, NSW
    Got this form a mate the other day.

    Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake
    up every two hours?

    If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
    Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
    batteries are flat?
    Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know
    there is not enough?
    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
    stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
    Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
    Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
    Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
    throw a revolver at him?
    Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
    Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
    What is the speed of darkness?
    Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at
    the Special Olympics?
    If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice
    as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
    If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others
    doing here?
    Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem
    Do you cry under water?

    How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
    be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
    binoculars to look at things on the ground?
    Did you ever stop and wonder......

    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
    squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
    Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm
    gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
    Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the
    toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
    Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
    Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
    don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
    Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you
    get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway ?
    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
    both dogs !
    Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream ??
    If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me !!!!)

    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
    vegetables, then what is baby oil made from ?

    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?
    Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
    same tune?
    Stop singing and read on . . .. . . . . . . .
    Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
    you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
    Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
    Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first
  8. Grantus

    Grantus Well-Known Member

    Southern ACT
    This one appeals to me:

    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

    So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

    Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

    God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

    Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

    God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to find a lawyer up there?"
  9. joel268

    joel268 New Member

    Burnie, Tassie
    ok heres some crap blonde jokes

    Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
    A: Toes Go In First.
  10. joel268

    joel268 New Member

    Burnie, Tassie
    couple more

    Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?
    A: You always hear about them but never see them.

    Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
    A: They think their picture is being taken.
  11. joel268

    joel268 New Member

    Burnie, Tassie
    ok, last one

    Did you hear about the blonde who:

    Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

    Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

    After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

  12. joel268

    joel268 New Member

    Burnie, Tassie
    Types of turd


    Ghost Poo:
    You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper, but not in the
    toilet. Where is it?

    Teflon Poo:
    So slick and easy you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the
    toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.

    Goo Poo:
    This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you
    still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your
    underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the

    Second Thoughts Poo:
    You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise...
    there's more to come.

    Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poo:
    This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out
    until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.

    Weight Watchers Poo:
    You poo so much you lose several pounds.

    Right Now Poo:
    You'd better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber to
    get there and it usually gets its head out before you can get your
    pants down.

    King Kong Poo:
    This one is so big you think it won't go down the toilet unless you
    break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger usually works well.
    This kind of poo usually happens when you're at someone else's house.

    Cork Poo:
    Also known as "floaters." Even after the third flush it's still there,
    floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it?

    Wet Cheeks Poo:
    This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the
    launching of the QE2, soaking your starfish.

    Wish Poo:
    You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poo.

    Cement Block Poo:
    You wish you'd got a spinal block before you pooed.

    Snake Poo:
    This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least
    three feet long.

    Morning After Poo:
    Happens the day after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't
    smell that bad, but THIS one... Usually you're at someone else's house
    (normally a girl you're trying to impress) and they're waiting outside
    to use the bathroom.

    Mexican Food Poo:
    Also called "screamers." You know it's safe to eat again when your bum
    stops burning.

    Boo Hoo Poo:
    Makes you cry with pain and wonder whether your should risk the
    stitches or go for the fuller figure.
  13. joel268

    joel268 New Member

    Burnie, Tassie
    heres a few little jonny ones for ya

    Little johnny was outside one day milking the cows.

    The cow kicked little johnny so he kicked it back. His dad saw this and he said 'Thats it little Johnny! No milk for a month!'

    Next he had to take the pig to the slaughterhouse. The pig wouldnt move so he kicked it. His dad saw this and said 'Thats it little Johnny! No bacon for a month!'

    Little Johnny returned to the house for lunch. After lunch his Dad was washing up. then the pussy-cat came along and scratched his leg. So little johnny's dad kicked the pussy-cat.

    Little johnny looked at his mum and said,

    'Are you going to tell him or am i?'
    paul77 likes this.
  14. joel268

    joel268 New Member

    Burnie, Tassie
    Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. “Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.” Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

  15. cammokombi

    cammokombi New Member

    Melbourne Victoria
    What do you get?

    What do you get if you cross a Rooster with a Jar of Peanut Butter?

    A Cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!
  16. melissa

    melissa Administrator Staff Member

    Newcastle NSW
    Oh Joel...that poo joke...I am crying I am laughing so much...:D
  17. heartland

    heartland New Member

    Hobart, Tasmania
    Me too Melissa and I don't know about you but I can really relate to it!!!!
  18. Schmoburger

    Schmoburger Active Member

    Nowra/Jervis Bay area, NSW.
    That poo post absolutely StUNK!!! (BdumpTSSSH!!!!) :D:D

    But seriously.. nice work j-man! :cool: LMAO at "This is the poo that killed Elvis!"

    Anyway... time for a dirty joke I think...

    The dirty joke?... Little Johnny fell in some mud.
    Now for a clean joke?... Johnnny had a bath and blew bubbles.

    And one more dirty joke yeh??.... Bubbles was the name of his pet dog! :eek:

    Ooooooh that's crass....
  19. GypsyWannabe

    GypsyWannabe Active Member

    Quakers Hill, Sydney
    Little Irish Sean

    Be careful if you read this one out loud...

    The teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

    Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

    "Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

    Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

    "Well done, Katie," says the teacher.

    "Anyone else?"

    Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious!"
    Bladesy likes this.
  20. GypsyWannabe

    GypsyWannabe Active Member

    Quakers Hill, Sydney
    What's for dinner?

    A man kills a deer and takes it home for dinner.

    Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

    The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates and so begged their Dad for the clue.

    "Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes'

    The little girl screams, " Don't eat it...it's an arsehole!".

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