Crap joke thread....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Schmoburger, Oct 16, 2006.

  1. reelmick

    reelmick Member

    Messages:
    69
    Location:
    lake macquarie
    I was refused entry to a pub once because I had some jumper leads over my shoulder ,they said I would try and start something.
     
  2. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,086
    Location:
    Mount Gambier, SA
    I was in a queue at the atm to withdraw cash,when the little old lady who was squinting at the machine said to me,"Could you check my balance?"
    So I pushed her over..... her balance wasn't real good.
     
    Syncro27, oldman and Ninga like this.
  3. Ninga

    Ninga Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    652
    Location:
    Tumut
    A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook". The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook". Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out. The librarian shakes her head. Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok bok boook". The librarian gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it. The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank. There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog. The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying: "Book, bok, bok, boook". The frog blinks, and croaks: "read-it, read-it, read-it".
     
    stusbus, BrianK, Grantus and 3 others like this.
  4. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,086
    Location:
    Mount Gambier, SA
    I need to re-home a dog. Its a small terrier and tends to bark alot. If you're interested let me know and I'll jump over next doors fence and get it for you.
     
    KahunaKombi, grumble, oldman and 4 others like this.
  5. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,086
    Location:
    Mount Gambier, SA
    MY NEXT JOKE WILL BE A FART JOKE, IT MITE STINK THOU,
     
  6. David H

    David H Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,776
    Location:
    newcastle
    GOLD BrianK:) Tear from eye due laughter.
     
    BrianK likes this.
  7. Titch

    Titch Active Member

    Messages:
    214
    Location:
    Coolamon. NSW.
    Jerry Lewis died this week. I don't think he would have contributed to this forum. However I will.
    "Went to the doc, said I was not too bright. Some sort of cold or flu type stuff. He said strip off and stand next to that open window and poke your tongue out. After some five minutes I mumbled back , Will this help my problem? He replied, No, but it might help mine, I can't stand the woman next door!! BOOM! BOOM!
     
  8. gazman

    gazman Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,726
    Location:
    Perth WA
    OMG this is exactly what I feel like doing to my neighbours dog...
     
    BrianK likes this.
  9. oldman

    oldman Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    7,289
    Location:
    Avalon Beach NSW
    A bear walks into a bar......
    He sidles up to the bartender and says,
    " I'll have a ............................................beer thanks."
    The bartender says,
    " why the big pause ?"

    Sorry:rolleyes:
    Cheers,
    Mark
     
    David H, BrianK and Ninga like this.
  10. Grantus

    Grantus Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    12,950
    Location:
    Southern ACT
    Employ a teenager.....................while they still know everything! ;)
     
  11. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,086
    Location:
    Mount Gambier, SA
    My friend Gav died yesterday from taking heart burn tablets, can't believe gavisgon.
     
    grantw and Ninga like this.
  12. rstucke

    rstucke Active Member

    Messages:
    232
    Location:
    Wamberal NSW AUS
    I think we've reached a new low
     
  13. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,086
    Location:
    Mount Gambier, SA
    An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday
    by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
    She demanded to know why the charge was so high. “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast.”
    The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate’, and breakfast
    had been included had she wanted it.
    She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
    The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use.”
    “But I didn’t use them,” she said.
    ”Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.
    He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. “We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” the Manager said.
    “But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.
    “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.
    No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his standard response.
    After several minutes’ discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. “But madam, this cheque is for $50.00.”
    “That’s correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.
    “But I didn’t!” exclaimed the very surprised Manager.
    “Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
     
    rstucke, grumble, kombi69 and 2 others like this.
  14. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,086
    Location:
    Mount Gambier, SA
    I lost a very good friend and drinking partner last week.
    He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
     
    oldman and Ninga like this.
  15. gazman

    gazman Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,726
    Location:
    Perth WA
    What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?

    You can't tune a fish...
     
  16. oldman

    oldman Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    7,289
    Location:
    Avalon Beach NSW
    .....aahh, but you CAN tuna fish..........:rolleyes:
    Cheers,
    Mark
     
    rstucke and Ninga like this.
  17. 68BUS

    68BUS Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,226
    Location:
    Brisbane
    What do fish have in common with a guitar?
    You can Tuna Fish.
    :p
     
  18. gazman

    gazman Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,726
    Location:
    Perth WA
    Two Gyprocker's walk into a bar...
    Couple of hours later everyone's plastered!
     
  19. Borgey

    Borgey Active Member

    Messages:
    476
    Location:
    Helensburgh
    What did one wall say to the other wall?
    Il meet you in the corner!
     
  20. David H

    David H Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,776
    Location:
    newcastle
    Yeah .... there is a prize in that one.:p
    Cheers
     

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