BAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh dear God, if that isnt the most ammusing joke I've read here for quite a long time! Mainly as I am also envisioning the little girls horrified facial expression as she screams out the ammusing line... and also envisioning an asshole on a dinner plate! Oh man that was good...
Are My Testicles Black? TRUE STORY!!!? A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears and sarts to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your Face Hands and Back." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much.. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
Three pieces of string walk into a pub and sit down at a table, the first goes to the bar and asks for a drink and the bar tender says "we dont serve string in here", the second goes to the bar and asks for a drink and the bar tender again says "look we dont serve string in here" so the third gets the other two to wrap him in a loop and rub him on the brickwork, he then wanders up to the bar and asks for a drink, the bar tender looks at him quizically and says "arent you a piece of string?", the string replies "nah frayed knot".
In this day and age when we need to call for help... I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called Life Line. I was put through to a call centre in Pakistan. I explained that I was feeling suicidal. They were very excited at this news and wanted to know If I could drive a truck or fly an airplane . . .
Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.
Work vs. Prison Work vs. Prison: Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer. @ PRISON You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell. @ WORK You spend the majority of your time in a 6X6 cubicle /office. @ PRISON You get three meals a day fully paid for. @ WORK You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. @ PRISON You get time off for good behavior. @ WORK You get more work for good behavior. @ PRISON The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. @ WORK You must often carry a security card nd open all the doors for yourself. @ PRISON You can watch TV and play games. @ WORK You could get fired for watching TV and playing games. @ PRISON You get your own toilet. @ WORK You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat. @ PRISON They allow your family and friends to visit. @ WORK You aren't even supposed to speak to your family. @ PRISON All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required. @ WORK You get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. @ PRISON You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. @ WORK You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. @ PRISON You must deal with sadistic wardens. @ WORK They are called managers. THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE! Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check e-mails.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything!
Deep thoughts for those who take life way too seriously 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like......night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 5. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?...Raise my hand. 10. OK...so what's the speed of dark? 11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 15. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. 18. Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.
*If you can't be a good example . . . then you'll just have to be a horrible warning * Behind every successful man is . . . a very surprised woman *All the world's a stage . . . I seemed to have missed the rehearsal *I read about the evils of drinking . . . so I gave up reading *A fool and his money are soon . . . partying *Take care of your thoughts . . . they may become words *A perfect wife is one who helps the husband . . . with the dishes *Money can't buy happiness . . . it can certainly rent it for a while *Three rights make . . . a left *A conclusion is the place where you find yourelf . . . when tired of thinking *Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence . . . a second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience *Time is the best healer . . . unfortunately, it kills all its patients. *I get enough exercise . . . just pushing my luck. *Despite the cost of living . . . it still remains so popular. *Where there's smoke . . . you'll find me cooking dinner *If today is the first day of the rest of your life . . . what the hell was yesterday? *I chose the path less traveled . . . but only because I was lost. *Ever stop to think . . . and forget to start again? *Learn from your parents' mistakes . . . use birth control. *A torch is a case . . . for keeping dead batteries and bulbs in. *If at first you don't succeed . . . then skydiving isn't for you. *Nothing's impossible for those . . . who don't have to do it. *Given the capacity to be stupid . . . people will be. *Some of the biggest gifts . . . come in the smallest birds *Never take your sleeping tablets . . . at the same time as your laxitive tablets *Get the facts first . . . you can distort them later *As an outsider . . . what do you think of the human race. *If everything is relative . . . what is everything else *If practice makes perfect . . . how do you explain taxi drivers *Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird . . . sleep late. *A conscience is what hurts . . . when all your other parts feel so good *My kids to me are the reason for everything . . . out of place, broken and dirty *If you are going to walk on thin ice . . . you might as well dance *You're just jealous . . . the voices only talk to me *It takes many nails to build crib . . . but one screw to fill it *Saving for that rainy day . . . chances are you'll stay at home. *Friends are those rare people who ask how we are . . . then wait to hear the answer *Never chase after person, bus or train . . . another one will always come along *Work fascinates me . . . I could sit and watch it for hours *Don't let aging get you down . . . It's too hard to get back up *Why don't you slip into something more comfortable . . . like a coma *Sometimes I need what only you can give me . . . your absence *You are only young once . . . but you can stay immature indefinitely *If they sound cute on the phone . . . add two stone *Time flies like lightning . . . Fruit flies like bananas *How does eating a pound box of chocolates . . . make you gain 5 lbs! *When you're in it up to your ears . . . keep your mouth shut! *Don't cry because it's over . . . smile because it happened *My mind works like lightning . . . comes in flashes *You laugh at me because I'm different . . . I laugh at you because you're all the same *Forget the Joneses . . . I can't keep up with the Simpsons *Living on this planet is getting so expensive . . . but it does include a free trips around the sun. *I don't suffer from insanity . . . I enjoy every minute of it *I childproofed my house . . . but they still get in. *We got rid of the kids . . . the cat was allergic. * It may be that your sole purpose in life is . . . simply to serve as a warning to others. *We divorced over our religious differences . . . he thought he was God and I didn't. *Have you ever noticed the people who tell you to calm down . . . are the ones that got you mad in the first place. * Remember everyone you meet . . . is fighting some sort of battle too. * As you journey through life take a minute every now & then to give a thought for the other fellow . . . they could be plotting something *You just want to have your cake and eat it . . . to right, what good is a cake if you can't eat it? *Don't know what your problem is . . . but I bet it's hard to pronounce *When you go into court . . . your in the hands of twelve people that aren't smart enough to get out of jury duty * Everything I can't find . . . I know is in a very secure place * Don't go to bed angry . . . stay up and plot your revenge *God makes the animals . . . Man makes himself *Always remember you are unique . . . just like everyone else *I can easily tell when he's lying . . . his lips move *You've kept that fabulous figure all these years . . . and greatly added to it. *Give your money to charities . . . the ones you'll need in old age *Happiness is good health and . . . a bad memory *I'm so cared for . . . eye care, long term care, private care, dental care.......... *Experience is a wonderful thing . . . you recognize a mistake when you make it again *Borrowing money . . . find a pessimist *Computers can do things really fast . . . like get you angry *I gave up jogging for health reasons . . . my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire *The rewards of age . . . are not for wimps *Someone who thinks logically . . . is a nice contrast to the real world *Trust in God, God understands all . . . except for legal small print *Whatever hits the fan . . . never gets evenly distributed *If ignorance is bliss . . . why aren't more people happy? *Some things are just better rich . . . coffee, chocolate, men *Beauty is in the eye of . . . the beer holder *I still miss my ex . . . but my aim is getting better *Treat your friend like . . . a parachute *It's 'only' a game . . . 'only' if your team is winning *A message to all virgins . . . Thanks for nothing *Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes . . . then you'll be a mile away from them and you'll have a new pair of shoes *It's not a very good idea to lie . . . especially if you're in the middle of the road. *If you look like your passport pic . . . you definately need the trip. *Some days you're a pigeon . . . and some days you're the statue. * Being punctual everytime . . . people will think you have nothing better to do. *All good Christians go to church on Sundays . . . does going to a garage make you a mechanic. *Ever been scared half to death . . . well don't do it twice. *Housework?? . . . I sweep the room with a glance. *I love cooking with wine . . . sometimes I even put it in the food. *I try to take one day at a time . . . but sometimes several days attack me at once. *A minute can seem such a long time . . . depending on which side of the bathroom door your on. *It is tougher to loose weight as we age . . . by then your body and fat have become such good friends *Aim high, reach your goals . . . aim low, avoid disappointment *Seen it all, done it all . . . can't remember any of it *I thought about being born again . . . but my mother refused *Always keep to a well balanced diet . . . a cookie in each hand *If you have to choose between two evils . . . pick the one you've never tried before *If you line up all the cars in the world end to end . . . someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them *A penny saved is . . . a government oversight *Bills travel through my mailbox . . . at ten times the speed of cheques *Light travels faster than sound . . . true 'cos some twinkle before they speak *Tell me what you need . . . I'll tell you how to get along without it *How many of you believe in telekinesis? . . . Raise my hand *Just when you think nothing will ever get better . . . everything gets dramatically worse *Someday we'll look back on all this . . . and plow into a parked car *Get a new car for your spouse . . . It'll be a great trade *I'm happily married . . . but the wife isn't *Rumors goes in one ear and out of . . . many mouths *What happens if . . . you get scared half to death twice *Always try to be modest . . . and be proud of it *Change is inevitable . . . except from vending machines *And on the other hand . . . you have different fingers *You don't suffer from stress . . . Your the carrier *Support bacteria . . . They're the only culture some people have.! *Inside every older person is a younger person . . . wondering what the hell happened *If everything seems to be going well . . . you have obviously overlooked something. *I don't have an attitude problem . . . You have a perception problem *Everyone has a photographic memory. . . Some just don't have the right film *When everything is coming your way . . . you're in the wrong lane *If you think nobody cares . . . try missing a couple of payments *A day without sunshine is like . . . night (or Sheffield) *A clear conscience . . . is the sign of a bad memory *The early bird gets the worm . . . but the second mouse gets the cheese *He who laughs last . . . thinks slowest *99 percent of lawyers . . . give the rest a bad name * Remember . . . Half the people you know are below average. * I just got lost in thought . . . It was unfamiliar territory * Life is like a box of chocolates . . . All the best ones have been nibbled at *Of all the things I've ever lost . . . I think I miss my mind the most
Holly smoke Jane, that was a marathon. and... Don't smoke in bed... the sleeping bag you burn may be your wife
Sailor A sailor phone his wife, that he hadn't seen for 6 months... at end of their conversation he said to her; I want to make love to you really badly. The wife pauses for a second, then she replies; You all ways make love to me really badly!
Prison Break Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large grain sacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage. About an hour later two cops came into the barn.One cop told his offsider to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the cop asked his partner what he saw, and he yelled back, "Just three full sacks." So he said to him, 'find out what watts in em", so he kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so he yelled "it's got a dog in it!" Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so he said " the second one's got a cat in it!" Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire So the other night my wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we’re laying in bed. I looked over at her and, in my sexiest voice, asked her "Wanna have sex?" "No." She answered. I said, "Is that your final answer?" "Yes." She replied. So I said, "I’d like to phone a friend." That’s the last thing I remember…
British pop singer Sophie Ellis Bextor was yesterday found dead in the apartment of a French footballer. Although details are still sketchy at this stage, it has ben confirmed that the death was indeed a murder on Zidanes floor.
Hehehhe... I actually got an askicking when I posted that one on MacAddict (now MacLife) foorums... w00t!
