Crap joke thread....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Schmoburger, Oct 16, 2006.

  1. deeksy62

    deeksy62 Active Member

    Messages:
    617
    Location:
    Sawtell
    How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

    Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers!

    Steve
     
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  2. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

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    LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?

    Why, a lexophile of course!


    • How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

    • Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

    • A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

    • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

    • Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

    • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

    • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

    • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

    • I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

    • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

    • I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

    • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

    • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

    • When chemists die, they barium.

    • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

    • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

    • Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

    • I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    • Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

    • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

    • Broken pencils are pointless.

    • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

    • All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

    • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    • Velcro - what a rip off!

    • Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
     
  3. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

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  4. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    17,961
    Location:
    Bracken Ridge, Qld
  5. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    17,961
    Location:
    Bracken Ridge, Qld
  6. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

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    Location:
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    No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London , England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world. Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction. The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between ‘complete’ and ‘finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”

    Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’ And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ‘completely finished.”

    His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
     
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  7. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

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  8. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

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    Geez there are some shockers in there
     
  9. oldman

    oldman Super Moderator Staff Member

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    As there are in this thread Barry......that’s what makes it a “must read.....”:rolleyes:
    Cheers,
    Mark
     
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  10. Grantus

    Grantus Well-Known Member

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    It’s not called the “Crap Joke Thread” without reason.......;)

    So to continue:


    What’s the worst thing about a colostomy bag?

    Getting shoes to match!.....:eek:
     
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2017
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  11. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

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    Location:
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    I was at the bank today & an asian lady was trying to exchange Yen for Dollars. It was quite clear that she was extremely irritated. To which she shrieks, "Why it change? Yessaday I get two hunat fo yen.Today, I only get hunat eighty. Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders & said, "Fluctuations". The asian lady shrieked louder, "Fluc you white people too"
     
  12. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

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    That's a real oldy Brian :confused: was "F you europeans to" back in the early 70's when I 1st heard it :eek:
     
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  13. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
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    Location:
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    So I just saw a donkey crossing the road.
    The cool thing was he looked both ways.
    What a smart ass.
     
  14. Jurgen Grossmutter

    Jurgen Grossmutter Active Member

    Messages:
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    Location:
    Ipswich
    Is that a happy ending?
     
  15. Jurgen Grossmutter

    Jurgen Grossmutter Active Member

    Messages:
    334
    Location:
    Ipswich
    The trouble with ineptitude is l struggle with it
     
  16. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

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    Was at the servo filling the other car and when I went in to pay and attendant (female) said happy wife, happy life to which I replied NO happy wife, husband in strife :eek:
     
  17. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,198
    Location:
    Mount Gambier, SA
    What do you get when you eat peanut butter and baked beans?
    A fart that sticks to the roof of your ass.
     
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  18. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

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    Not so much a joke but it is true with the crap side of it

    MEDICARE PART G

    If you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you, what do you do? You may opt for Medicare Part G.
    The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You may then shoot one worthless politician in your district.
    You'll be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered! As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!
    And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home.
    And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
    Is this a great country or what?
    Now that you have solved your senior Long-Term Care problem, enjoy the rest of your week!
     
  19. chris taylor

    chris taylor Well-Known Member

    Messages:
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    Location:
    adelaide sth aust
    MEDICARE PART {G}


    Bert,,,,, your an absolute gem:D. love it ,:rolleyes:. hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha,
     
  20. Weekender

    Weekender Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    458
    Location:
    Ashgrove
    A very rich man purchased the top of the range Mercedes Benz car. It had everything in it. He was driving along one day and sees a "hobo" walking along. He thinks just for the fun of it to give the hobo a lift. He gets in and is complexly awe struck with everything. "What's this", he would ask about all the fancy controls and screens "Satellite navigation" , "electronic breaking", "TV", "seat heaters" came the answers. He then points to the 3 point star on the bonnet. "Oh that's my sights - so I can aim the car at things. Look ... up ahead... see that old kombi". So the driver leans forward and plants his foot. The Merc screams toward the kombi. The hobo is terrified. Of course at the last second, the driver swerves away. But all he hears is this enormous bang and thud, with both cars spinning. "what happened" screams the Merc driver. And the hobo replies "well you should get those sights fixed - if I didn't open the door we would have missed him!"
     
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