Crap joke thread....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Schmoburger, Oct 16, 2006.

  1. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

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    Brian, get out of the sun it's frying your brain :confused:
     
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  2. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

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    Think I’m going silly in my old age Bert.
     
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  3. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

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    My father had a saying - "you need to take more ice with your scotch" :eek:
     
  4. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

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    Got to have a sense of humour Brian ....... too much other can't do this and can't do that (without a snack pack a kid would starve) cr@p going on these days.
     
  5. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

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    Here we go again Bert old mate.

    Just been sacked on my first day at my new job being a chef for stealing...

    It was a whisk I was willing to take.
     
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  6. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

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    Well, I'm at Emergency
    There goes all my bloody plans down the S-bend. ...
    Awesome start to the Christmas holidays
    Yesterday was not a good day. I decided to go horse riding, something I haven't done in many years. It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It wouldn't stop. Thank goodness the manager at Toys-R-Us came out and unplugged the machine. But he had the nerve to take the rest of my change so I wouldn't attempt to ride the Elephant.
     
  7. splitbus

    splitbus Well-Known Member

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  8. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

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    A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2018 AFL Grand Final, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each and didn't realize last year when he bought them that this was going to be on the same day as his wedding.

    If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St Peter's Church, in Launceston, at 3pm. Her name is Sally, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook... She will be the one in the white dress.
     
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  9. Jurgen Grossmutter

    Jurgen Grossmutter Active Member

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    Is she brown-haired, blue-eyed Scorpio or Taurus? If so, I'm there.
     
  10. splitbus

    splitbus Well-Known Member

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  11. cbus

    cbus Well-Known Member

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  12. Jurgen Grossmutter

    Jurgen Grossmutter Active Member

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    I'd give her 'what4' saying 'crap' like that.
     
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  13. reelmick

    reelmick Member

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    I went for a job in a mirror factory once, I could see myself working there!
     
  14. Tangles

    Tangles Well-Known Member

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    Scientists have just managed to grow artificial human vocal cords in a petri dish.

    The results speak for themselves.
     
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  15. Grantus

    Grantus Well-Known Member

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    Polar bear walking through a blizzard with her young cub, when the cub says:

    “Mum, what kind of bear and I?”

    She replies, “You’re a Polar Bear son.”

    They push forward through the driving snow, and then the young cub says, “Maybe I’m a black bear?”

    “No son, your white. You are a Polar Bear”, was the mother reply.

    “Hey mum, maybe I’m a grizzly bear?”

    Mum replies, “Nope, you’re a Polar Bear.”

    As the freezing blizzard snow gets worse, the young cub asked, “Are you sure I’m not a Koala Bear?”

    The mother replies again, “No, you’re not a Koala Bear - you are a Polar Bear.”






    The cub then asks, “If I’m a Polar Bear....... why am I so bloody cold?!”
     
  16. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

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    Location:
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    The Ol` long drop toilet.

    Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

    Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

    Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

    So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

    "Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

    "Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

    So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

    Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

    Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

    To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"
     
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  17. Jurgen Grossmutter

    Jurgen Grossmutter Active Member

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    Upon reflection I'd rather not.
     
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  18. Jurgen Grossmutter

    Jurgen Grossmutter Active Member

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    I wouldn't tell that joke out in the general pubic
     
  19. Jurgen Grossmutter

    Jurgen Grossmutter Active Member

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    At least they wouldn't be petrified of their own voice.
     
  20. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

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    Location:
    Mount Gambier, SA
    So you mongrels think you're so tough because you jumped me outside my Campervan! Hahaha I still handled all of you... I came out of my door and I get attacked!!! You think you got some good shots in but I don't have a mark on my face. I have some marks on my arms, legs and my neck but thats nothing!!! Bet you weren't expecting me to swing back since it was like eight against one!!! Yeah I'm not going to lie, I was getting tired and just wanted to get inside but I'm certainly not going to stand down!!! I'm gonna swing, making sure you get yours too... All I have to say is you attacked me, that's a big no no! As soon as I ran inside they rushed at me again, this time I sprayed them!!! I had no choice!!!!
    I hate mozzies!!!! .... Happens everytime Camping
     
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