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Crap joke thread....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Schmoburger, Oct 16, 2006.

  1. glow-monkey

    glow-monkey Active Member

    Messages:
    1,319
    Location:
    Kenilworth QLD
    Did you hear about the peadophile who tried to drown himself, they found him in the harbour clinging to a little bouy.
     
  2. melissa

    melissa Administrator Staff Member

    Messages:
    15,595
    Location:
    Newcastle NSW
    I just got this in an email...

    The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants
    were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and
    supply a witty definition.Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to
    understand.


    Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole.

    Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet.

    Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact.

    Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine.

    Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle.

    Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor

    Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of
    sexual activity.

    Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans

    Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it
    comes to handling himself in the scrub.

    Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.

    And for the Kiwi's amongst us:
    Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.
    _________________________________________________________________

     
  3. glow-monkey

    glow-monkey Active Member

    Messages:
    1,319
    Location:
    Kenilworth QLD
    Could also try Billybong: a device used to smoke leaf tea.
     
  4. cammokombi

    cammokombi New Member

    Messages:
    1,562
    Location:
    Melbourne Victoria
    Santa is old hat?

    [​IMG]
     
  5. Schmoburger

    Schmoburger Active Member

    Messages:
    4,381
    Location:
    Nowra/Jervis Bay area, NSW.

    AAAAHAHAHAHA that is awsome! :D
     
  6. glow-monkey

    glow-monkey Active Member

    Messages:
    1,319
    Location:
    Kenilworth QLD
    A guy is wading through the alabama swamps when he comes across and old moonshine bottle, he picks it up gives it a rub and hey presto out pops a redneck genie, the genie says "boy ahll gives ya one wish", the guy looks at him and says "i wish i could be h*** like a b**** m**", so the genie tars and feathers him and tightens a noose around his neck.

    If you wish for the hidden words please PM glow monkey this joke may offend some persons as it may be taken as racist or to be too much sexual content.
     
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2007
  7. joel268

    joel268 New Member

    Messages:
    1,066
    Location:
    Burnie, Tassie
    one liners

    Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.

    Schizophrenia beats being alone.

    If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

    You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

    A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

    Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

    All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

    . I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

    I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

    The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

    If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

    Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

    Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

    Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

    .Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

    Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

    Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

    It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

    Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

    A closed mouth gathers no foot.

    When blondes have more fun do they know it?

    Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

    Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

    Jesus is coming! Look Busy.

    My Wild Oats Have turned to Shredded Wheat!

    Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

    Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

    Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

    What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

    If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

    Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

    I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

    Chastity is curable, if detected early.

    Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

    Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

    Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.

    Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

    Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

    A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

    I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

    Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

    Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

    There's no future in time travel.

    Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

    Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.

    A good pun is its own reword.

    Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor?

    Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

    For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

    A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

    I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

    Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

    Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

    Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

    Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

    I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

    The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

    All generalizations are false, including this one.

    I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

    I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

    The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

    I have friends who swear they dream in color...It's just a pigment of their imagination.

    There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

    If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

    Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

    It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

    Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"

    On the other hand, you have different fingers.

    A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

    A day without sunshine is like night.

    A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

    Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

    An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys

    As I said before, I never repeat myself. As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

    Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing

    Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

    Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

    Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

    Clones are people two.

    Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

    Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

    I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

    Do not put statements in the negative form.

    Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

    If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

    Friction can be a drag sometimes.

    He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!

    How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

    Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

    I bet you I could stop gambling.

    I couldn't care less about apathy.

    Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.

    I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

    I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

    I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

    I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

    If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

     
  8. joel268

    joel268 New Member

    Messages:
    1,066
    Location:
    Burnie, Tassie
  9. GypsyWannabe

    GypsyWannabe Active Member

    Messages:
    3,030
    Location:
    Quakers Hill, Sydney
    Cemetery

    I went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin.

    3 hours later saw the same 4 men with the same coffin.

    Thought to myself, they've lost the plot! :D

    Baz
     
  10. Marty

    Marty Active Member

    Messages:
    2,286
    Location:
    Sunny Melbourne
    I asked my friend today where the bin was and he told me it had run away because it was sick of my rubbish! :D
     
  11. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,952
    Location:
    Port Kennedy WA
    Dear Dad Letter

    A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
    was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an
    envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
    It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the
    envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
    "Dear, Dad.
    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
    elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene
    with Mum and you.
    I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
    knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos,
    her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
    But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
    Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
    woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
    We share a dream of having many more children.
    Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
    hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
    The other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
    In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
    so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
    Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
    Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
    many grandchildren.
    Love, your son, Joshua.
    P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
    I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
    the school report that's on my desk.
    I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
     
  12. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,952
    Location:
    Port Kennedy WA
    Diary of a Kalgoorlie Summer (by a Pom)

    August 31st

    Just got transferred with work into our new home in Kalgoorlie, Western Australia!! Now this is a town that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm breezy evenings. What a place! I've finally found my home. I love it here.


    September 13th:

    Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.


    September 30th:

    Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.


    October 10th

    The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.


    October 15th:

    Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.


    October 20th:

    I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat sh*t. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.


    October 25th:

    The wind sucks. It feels like a giant f**
    **n' blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.


    October 30th:

    Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?


    November 4th:

    It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid f**
    **n' place.


    November 8th:

    If another wise arse cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to f**
    **n' throttle him. F****n' heat! By the time I got to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin f****n' wet, and I smell like baked cat!!


    November 9th:

    Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my f**
    **n' arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my f****n' arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.


    November 10th:

    The weather report might as well be a f**
    **n' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and f****n' sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f****n' place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the f****n' pool. Even the palms can't live in this f****n' heat.


    November 14th:

    Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, ‘Hot enough for you today?' My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the stupid f**
    **r. F**k Kalgoorlie! What kind of a sick demented f****n' idiot would want to live here?


    December 1st:

    WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are f**
    **n' kiddin




     
  13. cammokombi

    cammokombi New Member

    Messages:
    1,562
    Location:
    Melbourne Victoria
    A LETTER FROM A FEMALE KC MEMBER...

    Dear Kombi Club:
    I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
    husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
    kilometer down the road when my engine conked out and the kombi shuddered to a
    halt.
    I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
    believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad
    passionate love to her.
    I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
    When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard
    and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.
    He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR.
    When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he
    was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why
    neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd
    been having an affair for the past six months.
    I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
    months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
    worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
    he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him
    anymore.
    Can you please help?
    Sincerely,
    Mrs. kombladyidriver

    Dear Mrs kombiladydriver:
    After closely reading your letter the guys here all agree that...
    A kombi stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
    variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
    debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
    the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
    solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
    causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
    I hope this helps.
    THE GUYS AT THE KOMBI CLUB.
     
  14. cammokombi

    cammokombi New Member

    Messages:
    1,562
    Location:
    Melbourne Victoria
    Where do babies come from?

    A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
    "You got Male!"
     
  15. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,952
    Location:
    Port Kennedy WA
    Thankx

    Dear All

    My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........

    I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about cockroach eggs in
    The glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
    Envelope that needs sealing.
    Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

    I no longer have any savings because I gave them to a sick girl (Penny
    Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

    I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
    $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
    In their special e-mail program .

    Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million
    With me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died
    Interstate.

    I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
    For me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.


    I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
    Buffalo on a hot day.

    Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
    Forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

    Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove
    Toilet stains.

    I can no longer buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a
    Serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

    I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
    Perfume sample and rob me.

    I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
    For which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
    Singapore
    And Uzbekistan.

    Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
    African spider is lurking under the seats to cause me instant death when it
    Bites my bum.

    And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found
    Dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex
    Molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
    Minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this
    Afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
    Grow a hairy hump.

    I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next
    Door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

    By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has
    Discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity
    Always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

    Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
     
  16. jerrys_bus

    jerrys_bus Active Member

    Messages:
    1,187
    Location:
    Hawkesbury NSW
    twincamute

    Twincamute spotted on hwy
     

    Attached Files:

  17. Schmoburger

    Schmoburger Active Member

    Messages:
    4,381
    Location:
    Nowra/Jervis Bay area, NSW.
    BAHAHAHAHA these are great!.... far higher quality than the crap that was passed off as jokes on the trip up to Talley! :D
     
  18. HIP13

    HIP13 Member

    Messages:
    627
    Location:
    Redcliffe QLD
    A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

    So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and proceeds to smoke a few fatties. it is the first time the little lizard has done this, so all is new to him. After a while the little lizard starts complaining that his mouth is dry. stands up and exclaims "Im going to get a drink!!!" as if its important.

    The little lizard is soooooo stoned that as he leans over for a drink he leans too far and falls in...

    Across the way a crocodile sees this, dives in, swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks: "What's the matter with you? you cant swim!"

    The little lizard explains between splutters, giggles and chokes, that he was sitting in the gum tree with the koala smoking a few joints, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

    The crocodile - slightly annoyed, says he will go have a chat with the koala.... He walks into the bush, finds the tree where the koala is sitting with a stupid grin on his face... he looks up and says "Hey you!"

    Astonished the koala looks down to the crocodile and says:

    "Fhaaaaa - k dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
     
  19. HIP13

    HIP13 Member

    Messages:
    627
    Location:
    Redcliffe QLD
    reminds me..... McDonalds is brigning out a McMichael Jackson burger. It consists of 48 year old meat between two 8 year old buns....
     
  20. BrianK

    BrianK Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,952
    Location:
    Port Kennedy WA
    A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

    While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

    Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

    God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

    Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a

    face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

    After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
    crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

    Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"


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    - God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."





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