Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Schmoburger, Oct 16, 2006.
Did you hear about the dyslexic fella who went to a Toga party as a Goat??
Did ya hear the one about the two peanuts that got off a New York subway??...
One was a salted! (get it?? ASSAULTED.... hahahaha...er yeh...mmmm very weak.... anyway.... )
Still made me laugh Schmo.
My memory for jokes is so terrible that I had to ask my friend to text it to me so i'd remember for this thread - and that was after he'd told me 3-4 times last night as well. Am sure it had nothing to do with the amount of wine I was consuming at the time.
did you hear about the two antenna that got married on the roof? the wedding was horrible but reception great.....
two goldfish were in a tank......
one said ill drive you man the gun...
a fish swam into a wall and said "damn!"
what do you call a woman with one leg shorter then the other....ilene
asian woman with one leg shorter then the other....irene
a woman off in the distance....dot
a man with a shovel in his back...doug
a man with rabbits in his pockets....warren
a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves....russel
the same man in a pond...bob
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
what do New Zealanders call a sheep tied to a pole...fair game/play station
If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.
Why do Australian Xmas cards depict snow?
Merry Xmas All!
21 Things You can Only Get Away With Saying at Christmas
A normally angelic young girl at work surprised some of us today with the following...
21 Things You can Only Get Away With Saying at Christmas
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.
Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
New Xmas Toys
Youve heard of the G.I. Joe doll? Well the latest toy on the market is the Terrorist doll. Nobody knows what it does as no one is game to pull the string!
It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, 'Hey, mamacita, let's do
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!' said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the
perfect time,' Pedro begged.
'But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.' replied Rosita.
'Please, Corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.'
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, 'OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu.'
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
'Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas, Weeweechu a
Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.'
A tourist walked into a Melbourne curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"
The owner replied: "It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story."
The tourist gave the owner his $12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on towards Watson Bay beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.
By now he was very concerned. He ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"
"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Terrorist, a couple of Kombi Drivers, a Poof, a Collingwood Supporter and anything from ‘Disneyland!’".
I just flew in from Boston and booooy are my arms tired!
*runs to dodge the tomatoes*
Man the things I miss out on when I go away to Queensland!
Cammo that is pure gold!
Save for retirement
Disabled parking sticker
The cat and the taxi driver
You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, but then scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car..
After Ten Marriages, NOW She's Happy!
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin". "What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.. . God I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're a Tax Man.... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
Happy Tax time!
Pure GENIUS Brian and Marty!!!
A pastor approached an elderly woman of the church with concerns about her husband. Puzzled, the pastor tells "Your husband claims that he is so close to God, that when he goes to the toilet during the night, God turns the lights on for him. And when he's finished, God turns the lights back off again..".
"That stupid man!" replies the woman "I bet he's been peeing in the fridge again."
Two muffins were sitting in an oven. The first said "Boy it's hot in here!" The second said "ARGH!?!? A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!"
In the clearing of a forest, a lion spotted a large bull. He attacked it, killed it and ate until his stomach was going to burst. Content in himself, he let out a loud roar. A hunter, nearby, heard the roar, saw the lion in the clearing and shot him dead. What's the moral of the story?
When you're full of bull, it's best to keep your mouth shut.
Separate names with a comma.