Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Schmoburger, Oct 16, 2006.
How do you get two whales in a car?
You start in England and drive West
Im not surprised .im worn out reading it. Hahahaha..
What do you call it when a midget waves at you?
I have many jokes about unemployed people.
Sadly, none of them work.
If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking Fanta make you fantastic?
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
DOG FOR SALE
A guy is driving around the backwoods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing!
Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?
''Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard"
This one actually made me laugh. OK some of the others have too but this one is special... I mean our dogs can all talk, it goes without saying. But they speak Spaniel and that's only understood by Spaniels and myself.
But I digress...
Most people today think it improper to discipline children,
so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'
Since I'm a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight
during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.
I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as
TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.
I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Should work with grandkids too!
Thats a bottler ,love it
What do you call a lost wolf?
There wouldn't be a Pedestrian Crossing
Following on from that one.......
Did you hear about the guy who had his left leg and left arm amputated after a car crash?
He’s all right now!
Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie!
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought…
“That’s the last thing I need!”
What did the science teacher climb?
Silence is golden.
Duct tape is silver.
Hard day with the kids? Any duct tape used?
Kid - Mum, what is dark humor?
Mum - Do you see that man over there without arms? Tell him to clap.
Kid - Mum! I am blind!
Mum - Exactly...
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Separate names with a comma.