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Crap joke thread....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Schmoburger, Oct 16, 2006.

  1. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    19,976
    Location:
    Bracken Ridge, Qld
    How do you get two whales in a car?
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    You start in England and drive West :oops:
     
  2. chris taylor

    chris taylor Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,910
    Location:
    adelaide sth aust
    Im not surprised .im worn out reading it. Hahahaha..
     
  3. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    3,736
    Location:
    Abbotsford NSW
    What do you call it when a midget waves at you?

    A microwave


    I have many jokes about unemployed people.
    Sadly, none of them work.


    If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking Fanta make you fantastic?
     
    Wattie and Wayne murray like this.
  4. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    3,736
    Location:
    Abbotsford NSW
    I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger.
    Then it hit me.
     
  5. rstucke

    rstucke Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,041
    Location:
    Wamberal NSW AUS
    DOG FOR SALE
    upload_2019-2-28_17-3-13.png

    A guy is driving around the backwoods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
    'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

    'You talk?' he asks.

    'Yep,' the Lab replies.

    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

    The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
    I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

    In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
    because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'


    upload_2019-2-28_17-4-24.png

    'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...


    But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
    I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near
    suspicious characters and listening in.

    I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

    'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

    'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing!
    Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?

    ''Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard"

    upload_2019-2-28_17-6-23.png



     
    paul77, oldman, Barry and 8 others like this.
  6. wirrah

    wirrah Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,934
    Location:
    Lower Hunter, NSW
    This one actually made me laugh. OK some of the others have too but this one is special... I mean our dogs can all talk, it goes without saying. But they speak Spaniel and that's only understood by Spaniels and myself.

    But I digress...
     
    TeeBee, oldman, Wattie and 1 other person like this.
  7. rstucke

    rstucke Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,041
    Location:
    Wamberal NSW AUS
    Most people today think it improper to discipline children,
    so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

    Since I'm a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight
    during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.

    I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as
    TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.

    I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

    I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

    Should work with grandkids too!


























    pilot.jpg
     
  8. chris taylor

    chris taylor Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,910
    Location:
    adelaide sth aust
    Thats a bottler ,love it
     
  9. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    3,736
    Location:
    Abbotsford NSW
  10. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    19,976
    Location:
    Bracken Ridge, Qld
    What do you call a lost wolf?
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    A Where-Wolf
     
    TeeBee likes this.
  11. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    19,976
    Location:
    Bracken Ridge, Qld
  12. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    3,736
    Location:
    Abbotsford NSW
    Following on from that one.......

    4386CF41-E779-4597-8524-AF86EACB13BE.jpeg
     
    oldman, Elsie 76 and chris taylor like this.
  13. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    3,736
    Location:
    Abbotsford NSW
    Did you hear about the guy who had his left leg and left arm amputated after a car crash?
    He’s all right now!


    Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France?
    There was nothing left but de Brie!


    I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought…
    “That’s the last thing I need!”



     
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2019
    Wayne murray and chris taylor like this.
  14. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    19,976
    Location:
    Bracken Ridge, Qld
    What did the science teacher climb?
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    A chemis-tree :confused:
     
    MAP77 likes this.
  15. MAP77

    MAP77 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    437
    Location:
    Campbelltown NSW
  16. Ninga

    Ninga Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    985
    Location:
    Tumut
    Silence is golden.
    Duct tape is silver.
     
    David H likes this.
  17. David H

    David H Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,988
    Location:
    newcastle
    Hard day with the kids;)? Any duct tape used?
    Cheers
     
    Ninga likes this.
  18. 68BUS

    68BUS Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,522
    Location:
    Brisbane
    Kid - Mum, what is dark humor?

    Mum - Do you see that man over there without arms? Tell him to clap.

    Kid - Mum! I am blind!

    Mum - Exactly...
     
    rstucke and Barry like this.
  19. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    19,976
    Location:
    Bracken Ridge, Qld
    How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
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    FORE!
     
  20. KahunaKombi

    KahunaKombi Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    19,976
    Location:
    Bracken Ridge, Qld

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