I have noticed an alarming trend as of late... there are absolutely god-awful jokes being shamelessly possted left right and center by some of our most respected members. This behviour is crass and inconsiderate to those with a proper sense of humour (needless to say I can live with it cos a decent sense of humour is something I lack hehhehe), so hence I order that all terrible jokes shall henceforth be relegated to this thread! (How do I come up with this tripe???^^ ) ANyway... I was driving down the street recently on my way to the International Airport... I really shouldnt have been cos I was a bit tired to be honest, after I stepped into the path of a B-double by accident. (bdump TSSHH ) But anywho... yeh, driving down the street on my way to the airport, I noticed these two guys acting suspiciously... had a bit of an audience amassing across the road too! This piqued my interest, so I pulled over to have a geezer. Well.. would ya believe it???.. one of these waxheads was eating firecrackers, whilst his mate drank battery acid! a moment later the fuzz come screaming round the corner... a patrol car and a paddywagon. The guys were quickly detained and chucked in the paddywagon then carted off, whilst the boys from the patrol car stuck around for some questioning. Out of interest, I asked one of the cops what the punishment is for such an absurd offence... his reply: " Well, one of the guys will probably be charged mate, but from what I can gather from the statements so far, it looks like we'll end up letting the other one off." (bdump TSSHH!!!) ANyway... after I gave my statement, as ya do when youve witnessed a crime taking place, I made for the airport post-haste, as I was already later than I'd have liked. I got there with some time to spare, however my problems had only just begun... I ended up in a bitter argument with an official at the terminal, who intercepted me as I walked sideways through the turnstyle. He was frantically shouting "Sir!!! you are going to Bangkok!!!" (bdumpTSHHH!!!!) After finally convincing the guy I was actually going to China, I boarded in just the nick of time. The flight was pretty pleasant if one discounts the bad food... I specially pre-ordered Peking duck, and got more than I bargained for... the duck would not stop trying to look up the lady in the next seats skirt! (bdump TSHHH!!!) Landing was quite uneventful, but delayed due to a fighter blocking the runway for 30 minutes... the pilot was apparently a Capt. Wung Wyng Lho. BOOM BOOM! Oh dear Im spent heheheh
Schmoo great thread mate i just love it now im going to throw out a very common joke but we need to come up with a answer throwing it open to all members lets see what looney answers we get have fun dont worry about what you put just enjoy it WHY DID THE KOMBI CROSS THE ROAD ?
I apologise in advance!!! Here goes... "WHY DID THE KOMBI CROSS THE ROAD ?" Because it wasn't travelling the beaten track? Tom was on the other side with a tool box and a bottle of oil? It was on it's way to the bus stop? To get out of the fast lane? Seriously though Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
LMAO!!!!.. tyhat joke is positively rotten! Let's see how long we can keep this thread alive for eh?... try for a year? lol man... couldn make it into a book in that time hehehehe on the subject of which, one from the history books... A B-17 was shot down over Hamburg during a raid in 1944. Most of the crew went down with the aircraft, however one or two managed to get themselves free and bail. The tail gunner was one of the dudes who got free, however he was seriously injured both from the explosion that brought the plane down and from the less than kosher parachute landing. He was taken into a military hospital for treatment after which he was to be sent to a POW camp. Right from the start, it was evident that he was going to lose a leg due to his injuries, and this he was duely told. his response to this was, "Well, if thats the case, I'd like to ask that it be sent to Glatton airbase in England as something for the guys to remember me by, and to remind em what happens if you miss a shot", and this request was granted. A few days later an infection took hold in his other leg where he had been hit by shrapnel from AA fire, and he was again informed that amputation was inevitable. Again he requested that the limb once severed be sent back to England, this time as a stark reminder to all the crew at Glatton to wear their flack gear. Again, this was seen as reasonable and the request was granted. the next day he was due to have his arm amputated due to horrific and under the circumstances irepairable injuries. Again, he asked to have it sent to England, this time without giving reason. The military surgeon was about to reply.. then got uneasy. He left the room without saying a word, and 15 minutes later, returned with an unimpressed looking German staff sargent in tow. Again, the yankee gunner asks "so can I have my arm sent to England doctor??" At this moment the staff sargent strode forward and barked sharply "NEIN!!! ZIS VE KANNOT DO ANYMORE!!!!!". The gunner looked hurt and asks simply.. "WHy not??" The staff sargent ipmatiently lurches forward and barks, "VE ZINK JOO TRYINK TO ESKAAAPE!!!"
this thread is getting worse and worse.. i was playing pool with a friend today and after having taken the first shot and broken she spent ages deciding which one to go for. When i told her to hurry up she told me i was a real ball-breaker (badump-TSCH)
Schmo our friends will much less of us after this thread! Oh well here's another... Why did the Banana have to see the doctor?? ... He didn't PEEL well. I got loads.. I work with Primary school kids!
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi, an Australian, a little old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl. The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks. The old lady thinks: That Kiwi must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek. The blonde thinks: That Kiwi must have tried to grope me in the dark but missed and fondled the old lady. She slapped his cheek. The Kiwi thinks: That Australian must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead. The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that Kiwi again
A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart Rugby." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Try and conversion - 7-all". After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Penalty - 10 points to 7." Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty - 10-all." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says," Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he craps in the bed. The wife says, What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, change sides. cheers
ive heard that one before... in mp3 format... some guy telling it... think i got it off of napster bout 3 years ago
A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Pauls flatmate, Andrew, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Andrew & I are just flatmates. About a week later, Andrew came to Paul saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said Paul. So he sat down and wrote: DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE PAUL Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read: DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH ANDREW, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH ANDREW, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE MUM
Sorry in advance .... A PENIS STUDY...... The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2 slabs of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
