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Crap joke thread....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Schmoburger, Oct 16, 2006.

  1. T1 Terry

    T1 Terry Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,771
    Location:
    Mannum South Australia
    Gotta love this Doctor!

    Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
    A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
    A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
    A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
    A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
    A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
    A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

    Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
    A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

    And remember:
    Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

    AND.....

    For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    CONCLUSION:

    Eat and drink what you like.
    Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

    T1 Terry
     
  2. T1 Terry

    T1 Terry Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,771
    Location:
    Mannum South Australia
    Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
    "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
    Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
    Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!".
    -------------------------------------------------------------

    Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
    It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
    Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the flippin' thing up.
    -------------------------------------------------------------
    Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
    "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
    "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
    His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
    He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
    "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
    "Here boy" he replies.
    --------------------------------------------------------------
    Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
    "What the heck you doing?" he asks.
    "Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
    "It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
    "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe!!".

    T1 Terry
     
  3. T1 Terry

    T1 Terry Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,771
    Location:
    Mannum South Australia
    A little boy was excited about his first day at school.
    So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class
    started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to
    the bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask if
    he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but
    asked him to be quick.

    Five minutes later he returned, looking more desperate
    and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.

    The teacher sat him down and drew him a little diagram
    to where he should go and asked him if he will be able
    to find it now. The boy looked at the diagram, said "yes"
    and goes on his way.

    Five minutes later he returned to the class room and says
    to the teacher "I can't find it".

    Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon, a boy who has been at
    the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

    So two fellas go together and five minutes later they
    both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks
    Jon, "Well, did you find it?"

    Jon is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his
    boxer shorts on backwards"

    T1 Terry
     
  4. oldman

    oldman Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    10,983
    Location:
    Avalon Beach NSW
    How on earth am I going to remember all these gems.......? :eek: Cheers, Mark
     
  5. 3Amigos

    3Amigos Active Member

    Messages:
    3,093
    Location:
    THE HOUSE ON THE HILL
    The Heir Apparent has an important debate coming up...he sent me this::eek:

    Now TSS and St.Hilders are both Christian Schools. So we are both familiar with the bible and the text that is written in it. Now if you aren’t familiar with this let me refresh your mind. When god was creating the earth which was a big job, God saw that the world He had created was beautiful and good, it was filled with living creatures, but there was no one whom He could love or who could love Him back. God loved the animals he had made and they loved Him but they are not made with living souls. The animals could not talk with God nor understand His ways. God wanted someone to love - someone like Himself.
    Genesis 1:26 says, "And God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness." So God made man as He wanted every man to be, like Himself, in His image. Now God was obviously a great man and he created us men to be like him and I think that we men have done an excellent job at this, you know being great. So much so in fact that the opposite sex to the almighty man has in fact stolen our name in a bid to gain some greatness. Now I am disappointed but I am ok with females taking our name........so long as the two letters that are in front of this wonderful word man, being WO, stand for Worship Our. :lol:
     
  6. Terrordales

    Terrordales Active Member

    Messages:
    4,679
    Location:
    Earth
    Just chatted to the Heir Apparent on FB about this.
    Opening a can of worms with THAT topic.:lol:
     
  7. 3Amigos

    3Amigos Active Member

    Messages:
    3,093
    Location:
    THE HOUSE ON THE HILL
    boys school v girls school = gr8 topic:lol:
     
  8. saabman

    saabman Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,888
    Location:
    Goulburn
    There is no can of worms to open Don, Just very poor exegesis and a perverted imagination.

    The bible is very clear to worrship ONLY God (Exodus 20) and for a practical example Acts 14:12-15.

    The term Woman I think is better understood as an abreviation of the phrase used by Adam when he first saw Eve. WOW MAN! :p
     
  9. 3Amigos

    3Amigos Active Member

    Messages:
    3,093
    Location:
    THE HOUSE ON THE HILL
    :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  10. gazman

    gazman Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,914
    Location:
    Perth WA
    Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

    She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

    Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

    A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma,it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy 's mum wants to talk to you.'
     
  11. gazman

    gazman Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,914
    Location:
    Perth WA
    "Duct Tape" Contrary to popular opinion it IS NOT good for fixing everything.

    Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
    "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
    "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
    "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
    "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
    "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show.
    "Sensible" says Jeff.
    "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
    "And what happened then?"
    (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."
     
  12. Kai

    Kai Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,794
    Location:
    Sydney, NSW
    THAT IS GOLDEN! AHAHHA
     
  13. 3Amigos

    3Amigos Active Member

    Messages:
    3,093
    Location:
    THE HOUSE ON THE HILL
    [​IMG]

    Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store
    and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

    This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining
    about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
     
  14. DancingDoonars

    DancingDoonars Active Member

    Messages:
    1,014
    Location:
    Caboolture
    I really want to tweak the volume now.....hahaa
     
  15. oldman

    oldman Super Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    10,983
    Location:
    Avalon Beach NSW
    When will this thread become a "sticky" ?......so much great material !!
    Cheers, Mark
     
  16. 3Amigos

    3Amigos Active Member

    Messages:
    3,093
    Location:
    THE HOUSE ON THE HILL
    On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales . At the town of, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us… Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”

    The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr.... Gurrr.... King.”
     
  17. Grantus

    Grantus Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    18,838
    Location:
    Southern ACT
    Two Irish hikers were out enjoying a long walk, when they came across a pub, and decided to stop in for some lunch.

    The attractive waitress came over to take their order.

    After perusing the menu, the first one said to to the waitress, " I really feel like a quickie".

    She slapped his face, turned around, and stormed off....







    His friend turned to him and said, "It's pronounced QUICHE, you idiot!"
     
  18. Dingostrategy

    Dingostrategy Active Member

    Messages:
    4,322
    Location:
    SW Vic ++
    [​IMG]
     
  19. T1 Terry

    T1 Terry Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,771
    Location:
    Mannum South Australia
    A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.


    He radios for backup.


    "What's the situation?"


    "A big fat black fellah is dancing on a car roof."


    "You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to
    use the politically correct terminology"


    "OK" he says
    "Zulu...Tango....Sierra"

    T1 Terry
     
  20. 3Amigos

    3Amigos Active Member

    Messages:
    3,093
    Location:
    THE HOUSE ON THE HILL
    Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
    Hubby looks her up & down and replies,
    'Your sense of humour!
     

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