Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Schmoburger, Oct 16, 2006.
:lol: but I don't have a jetski....
An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Darling, etc…
The couple had been married almost 70 year...s and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, ‘I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names’.
The old man hung his head, sighed and said ‘I have to tell you the truth, her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is...’
How to Impress a Woman:
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to Impress a Man:
show up naked,
Julia Gillard was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Ms Gillard if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs
over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Gillard. 'That would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside,
that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not',explained Gillard, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gillard searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
'If a plane carrying you and Mr.. Rudd and Mr. Swan and Mr. Garrett was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Gillard, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!'
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site
noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some
time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other. very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back,
"His missus is here with his lunch."
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful
squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the MCG in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I Can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display,but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Gillard replied,"I seriously doubt that.With one little wave of your hand?
So the Pope backhanded her.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.
She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the Bridge crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. "After all, what do I have to lose?" Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Some weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain ."What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's stowed me away here."
She explained, "I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."
''He certainly is" the captain said. "This is the Manly Ferry."
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge?
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
" Your badge. Show him your BADGE !"
There was once a balloon kid who lived in a balloon house in a quaint little balloon town. One day he took some pins to his balloon school. Boy was he in trouble. The next day his balloon parents were called to the balloon school for a meeting.
The balloon principal sat the kid down on the balloon chair in his balloon office and said "Do you realise what you have done....you have let everyone down..."
3 men where at home one saturday arvo and were bored sh!tless, so they decided to go out on a helicopter tour over the city, and to make it more interesting thought it would be a good idea to drop something out of the helicopter each mid flight!
So they get to the helicopter and go up over the town, The first guy drops a Brick, a few seconds later the 2nd guy drops a chair, and then the 3rd drops a bomb ...
seeing as it was such a nice day the boys decided too walk home after their flight. They were stroling down a side street and came across a construction worker on the side of the road crying, they approached him and asked him what was wrong, he replied "i dropped this brick, and another brick came out of nowhere and smashed me in the head", the boys looked at each other and walked off ...
Around the corner they see another man crying, so they agian approach him too see whats wrong, he replies " all i did was sit down too rest for a minute on this seat, and out of nowhere another chair lands on me" ... knowing what was going on the boys wished the man luck and walked off ...
down the road more they see another man laughing his ass off, they approach him and ask what is so funny, short of breath he replies with "I farted.. And the house behind me blew up ROFL" :lol:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
A seal walks into a club...
Qld, beautifull one day, gone the next
So this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Confused, the bartender asks "Hey bud, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
"I don't know" the pirate says, "but it's driving me nuts!"
Camper-related Swear-word NSFW: LINK
A Welshman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and
phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting
to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep
are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So,
he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods,
has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all
still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads
them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each
sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try
again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out
to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning
home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look but of
the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying
in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is 'beeping'
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves...
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?',
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said...
Separate names with a comma.