Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Schmoburger, Oct 16, 2006.
What do you call a donkey with three legs??
What do you call a cow with three legs???
I met a bulimic stripper once...apparently the cake jumps out of her!!!
Not sure if this has been on before but: "Why are pirates pirates? Because they aaaaarrrrrrrreeeeee!!"
MY budgie died last night after i took it to the vet cost me a fortune
the vet said it has chirpies disease .
it just did not respond to the tweetment sorry its weak i know
BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA....Tom that really really sucks mate... so much so that I am in stiches!!
Here's a slightly more mature joke so kiddies cover your eyes...
4 girls were on their way to heaven, but before they could enter, St Peter stopped them and said, "Now girls, before I allow you to pass through these gates, I must ask each of you a question... you may think it somewhat personal and rude, however it is necessary that each of you answer it truthfully nonetheless as a condition of entry, understood?"
Each of the girls agreed, somewhat reluctantly, and the first girl stepped up to the gate.
"Now before you enter, I must ask you, have you ever touched the penis of a man before?"
The girl replied nervously, "Y-yes your worship... but only with my fingers, mind..."
St Peter paused and thought for a moment, then said, "Very well... wash your fingers in this Holy water and then you may enter." So the girl did just that and was allowed to pass freely through the gates into heaven.
The second girl stepped up to the gate and was confronted with the same question, upon which she replied, with somewhat less trepidation than the first girl, "Yes sir, but I only touched it with my hand."
As he had done with the first girl, St Peter instructed the second girl to wash her hand in Holy water, after which she was allowed to enter.
The moment she had entered the gates, the 4th girl in the lineup abruptly shoved past the girl in front and fronted up to the almighty Saint, looking somewhat agitated.
"Now forgive me if I am wrong, but was that not somewhat rude and inconsiderate of you? Why couldn't you wait your turn like everyone else?" scolded St Peter.
The girl replied, gesturing towards the girl she'd pushed aside, "Well, I dunno about you but I certainly don't wanna be drinking that stuff after she's washed her ass in it!"
ok, 3 sisters asked their mum if they could go out with their boyfriends one night.
The first one said:
I want to go out with Pete to eat.
The second one said:
I want to go out with Ben... AGAIN
The third one said:
I want to go out with Chuck.
Then the mum stopped her.
following on from the pirate theme.....
"Captain do you know there's a steering wheel down the front of your trousers?
Aargh! It's driving me nuts!"
Two women were sitting together, quietly !!
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in California. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them & wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looks him over, "Nope."
A frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW??"
Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope", she replies.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Margaret replies..."Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A true delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son..."Go get your mother."
Why We Love Kids
All true anecdotes, I'm led to believe...
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she enquired. "Because I pissed in its ear and it did not move." the boy answered innocently. "You did WHAT?!!" the teacher exclaimed. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over it and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move."
A little girl went to the barber shop with her dad. She stood next to the
barber chair, while her dad got his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The
barber said to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know and I am going to get boobs, too."
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get to Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!' "
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother
smiled and gave him a reassuring hug, "I can't dear," she said, "I have to
sleep in daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: "The big sissy."
It was at that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was
wearing a particularly pretty dress and as she sat down, the pastor leaned
over and said, "That's a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The
little girl replied, directly into the pastor's microphone, "Yes, and my mom
says it's a bitch to iron."
When I was six months pregnant with my 3rd child, my three year old came into the room as I was preparing to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes. Honey, remember mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"
One day the teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read,
"...and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said "The sky is falling!"
The teacher then asked the class, "and what do you think that the farmer
said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy
shit! A talking chicken!" The teacher was unable to teach anymore.
A little boy had just finished his first week of school. "I'm wasting my
time," he said to his mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't
let me talk!"
One Wish Geneie
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*^%ing map again!"
how frickin funny are you Baz
I got plenty of 'em but it's easy to copy and paste!
keep em coming I haven't laughed so much in years
OK, but I better be careful which ones I post... don't want to get into trouble!...
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Boss I no come work
today, I real sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you
today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her
give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work.
You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you
say and I feel great. I be at work soon..... You got nice
Optimist or Pessimist?
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, one Christmas their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.
Going to the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist son replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
Separate names with a comma.