Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Schmoburger, Oct 16, 2006.
the kids never liked getting their hair cut so i said we were going to a barber queue
Job's not finished until the paperwork is done
You can tell why this is my favourite coffee shop?
I was at the bank today & an asian lady was trying to exchange Yen for Dollars. It was quite clear that she was extremely irritated. To which she shrieks, "Why it change? Yessaday I get two hunat fo yen.Today, I only get hunat eighty. Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders & said, "Fluctuations". The asian lady shrieked louder, "Fluc you white people too"
Some bits of VW memorabilia in the background
Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do here, today, may be a burning issue somewhere else, tomorrow.
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit; it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV... The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump.
"The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money...
Why do sardines in Australia never swim any further north than Townsville?
They don’t want to end up in Cairns!
Ahhhhh...... Who is on first base
Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, oh no Paddy what ya doing?
Paddy says, Well me and Mary haven’t been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended
I do something sexy to a tractor.
. Loved it Brian.
Your killing me, Brian with that one.
Separate names with a comma.